* coming 2015 - possibly.

Monday, 19 July 2010

It's all about Stew, it's all about Stew baby...

Hello, and welcome back. We're currently enjoying "It's All About Stew" Week here at ZD. Stew, better known to many of his fans as Boredom, often picks fault with Legendary statuses and profile boxes on the Hub. In an effort to appease him, ZD has dedicated itself to Stew this week and will be publishing the many funny things said about him, along with the many objectionable things said by him. This one's for you, Boredom.

#1 "Stew is an unmemorable and forceful lover."
#2 "All your friends think I'm ugly, but 90% of them would sleep with me" - Stew.

#3 “Stew has a vanilla personality. I don't remember him very well.” - 'Bley
#4 "I'm just a weak, weak, weak man" - Stew, Feb 2008

#5 "Last night was so much fun, but YOU made me want to slit my wrists" - Le Terick to Stew, Feb 2009
#6 "I have no qualms about battering ducks" – Stew, June 2009

#7 "There's no such thing as objectivity. It's all bollocks" - Stew. and yet...
#8 “Outside cricket and swimming, if someone disagrees with me on sport they're wrong" - also Stew.

#9 "You're entitled to your opinion - it's a free country - but your opinion may be destroyed" - Freddy to Stew during a supervision. (Stew: "as always...")
#10 "An extra hour of work!" - Stew 'Van Wilder' Walker is happy about the clocks going back.

#11 "The rash is back" - Stew's 12 year old 'mate' at the STD clinic
#12 ""I'm smug in the way beer is smug to alcoholics" – Stew (Stew is generally pretty good at analogies)

#13 - "Let's go and sit in the Romsey car park" - Stew's default 'fun' activity suggestion in third year.
#14 - "Why do you try to ruin my life? What have I ever done to you?" - Stew to Ian, Nov 2008

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Social Grenades: BOOM!

We posted about Bley being a social grenade a couple of months ago.

It looks like the concept has gone global...

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

5 tips for running a successful nightclub

"How to run a successful nightclub" by Uncle Bellend

1. No knobhead bouncers
Those suffering from "small man with a little bit of power" syndrome are invariably found in one of three jobs: traffic warden, civil servant or bouncer.  Of course, some bouncers are okay. For example, Sidney, a huge black guy on the door at Soul Tree in Cambridge, was hilarious when we deliberated over paying to get in: "it's a quid... and if you say no, I say you a cheap motherfucker". But for every Sidney out there, there are ten absolute twat-necks who just want to look hard and ruin your night - and nine of them work at Revs.
"Your hair looks wank, mate. Got ID?"

I don't know if "can you be rude to our customers?" is a box you have to tick on the application form to work at Revs, but their bouncers are universally prickish. I've heard of a guy who worked at their Leeds bar being bussed up to the Newcastle one when they were short of morons, and even out of his natural territory he was a complete and utter shit: more flying fuckup than flying picket.  Queuing to gain entry to Revs is always a tense affair as you wait your turn to be insulted:

"ID, mate... Tom, that's your name, is it? Tommy Tom Tom - well I never! That shirt looks shit on you, mate - you look like a fucking poof. Go on, get inside..."

2. Loads of Strobe
If you have strobe lights, use them. Continuously. Most people are ugly and can't dance, but everybody looks good under strobes.  You might lose a few people to epileptic attacks, but at least they'll look cool when they go down - especially if there's some sick dubstep playing, in which case they'll just look like they're dancing.

3. No racism
I've explored the issue of "toilet freshen-up guys" always being black in a previous post and nothing's changed since then. I think the time has come to diversify this role: every club needs to have an equal opportunities employment policy. Sure, not everybody can look cool when singing "fresh-en up, fresh-en up, for punani", but there's no need to be racist about it.

4. "No knitting" signs
These are essential. Jacob-Bard Rosenberg (more about him in a later post) was thrown out of Cindies* for sitting in the corner and quietly knitting a tea cosy. The Bard protested that there weren't any signs forbidding knitting; the bouncer told him "we don't need any 'no knitting' signs".

Yes, you do.

5. Air conditioning
A practical point to finish on. It's always too hot. Install more air conditioning.

* Cindies is "Ballare", if any Cambridge town-folk are reading.

Collective nouns for chavs

I stumbled across @CollectiveNouns on Twitter the other day. One of the words for which they were compiling entries was 'chavs', with the most popular currently being 'a sovereign of chavs'.  ZD thought of a few - a rogue of chavs, a reprobate of chavs - before settling on 'a hood of chavs' as our entry.  

We also thought of an update for an old phrase: "the haves and the have nots". This should now read "the haves and the chavs", although the 'have' must refer to something other than having money nowadays if the de rigeur designer labels and bling bling are anything to go by; perhaps it's having the ability to function properly in society without spitting everywhere, or having the sartorial sense not to wear manky trackie bottoms tucked into football socks.

Look out for more chav news in future, when we'll be discussing the many and varied 'diverse' inhabitants of Mill Road, Cambridge.

* another inspired entry on CollectiveNouns was "a wunch of bankers" - here's looking at you, E5.

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Cheryl Cole: "I want to be Cheryl.i.am"

Pictured: Cheryl Cole, Cheryl Tweedy, Cheryl.i.am or Cheryl.we.are?
Make your mind up, love.

EXCLUSIVE  The Nation's Official Sweetheart Cheryl Cole has denied rumours that she intends to revert to her maiden name of Tweedy. Speaking exclusively to ZD after her tour date in Newcastle, Cheryl remarked that "it's a pretty crap surname and just look at my family - would you want to be associated with that lot?"

She was more coy when questioned about her relationship with Black Eyed Peas star Will.i.am. "Obviously, I like black men - it's only skanky black women I have a problem with - and Will's a really close friend." Although Cheryl filed for divorce from famous footballing gay Ashley Cole earlier this month, she said it was too early to discuss marriage plans with Will.i.am: "He's helping me through a tricky time. I don't want to say any more than that. I wouldn't rule out becoming Mrs Cheryl.i.am though - or even Will and Cheryl.we.are."

Robbie Lozenge & Uncle Legend - ZD Newcastle
This article is entirely fictional and must be read in a Middle Reality context.

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Cannons & Trebuchets

Years before Liam Fedus*, Iain Barr and the rest of Twadams built their fuck-off-massive trebuchet in the gardens of Robinson College, Rich Harris and Jeff "Ambiguous" Birchall managed to construct a working cannon. The Senior Tutor had this to say on the matter:

Dear Jeffrey and Richard,

I'm aware that the Porters on duty yesterday afternoon have for the time being taken your device. The reason that they were interested in what you were doing, in the first place, was that it was extremely noisy -- it could be heard right across the garden. In some ways I think your invention is rather enterprising; but if you could build in a silencer, or at least something to muffle the sound, it would be even more so!"

Liz Guild

soon followed by...

Dear Jeffrey and Richard,

Since contacting you earlier today, I have now had a chance to look at your device for myself, and in the light of what I have seen, I have to revise my earlier position. This is because what becomes clear to anyone who sees the scale and nature of your device is that you have unwitttingly designed a weapon.

Liz Guild

*(Wil)Liam Fedus is a bona fide Hero of ZD.  He was already pretty cool in general, but his reputation was cemented by missing a flight home for his sister's graduation so that he could build the aforementioned trebuchet.  Desh and Stoker spent their time desperately trying to impress Fedus; he was unfazed by this.

Monday, 24 May 2010

Lunge York

I stumbled across a group on the Hub called Lunge York. The object of the group appears to be posting pictures of people lunging. In York.

The origins of this group are amazing, and are shared here in full. I absolutely love this:

Legends of the Lunge: The Hunter

There have been many great men and women of the lunge. Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Genghis Khan, Elizabeth I of England, William Shakespeare, Sir Isaac Newton David Hasselhoff:– all are well-known to have mastered the principles of the lunge. Animals too can be great lungers – The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Dogtagnan and the Three Muskehounds being swift and excellent lungers, for example. But one man towers above them all in his lunging genius. He is known only as the Hunter. This is his story.

It was a classic night out. My friend Tim Vanderpump (a fellow aficionado of the lunge also known as Lungerpump or Vanderlunge) and I had been drinking down in Clapham. There were several notable incidents in the early evening – I found a sachet of lubricant down the side of an armchair, and a Russian guy called Vlad gave us a novel hissing interpretation of the ‘Scorpion’ posing move invented by Rob’s friend Billy. Yet these are just footnotes to the history of the Hunter. Our drunken friends decided to go home before twelve – Tim and I, who lived in Angel at the time, also decided to go home, but via whatever clubs were open on Upper Street first.

We ended up paying £5 to enter Kinky Mambo’s, where the bouncer warned us there was only an hour and a half to go before close. But what an hour and a half it was. We chased down our beers with spirits, and, given that there was more space than earlier, opted to perform a few lunges in the classic style. I was only on my second when there was a commotion in the club to my right. I peered into the darkness. A man approached us. He was a big man, around 6’4 in height and strongly built, like a bear or a badger. If he had a small beer belly, it merely added to his impressiveness. His eyes twinkled in the spinning disco lights, and his smile gleamed with mischief. He talked to us with enthusiasm for our lunges, abandoning the girls he was squiring about the club. He then performed some strong, deep lunges, with perfect form and balance. I could see he had done them many times before. He seemed like a great guy, a lunger par excellence. But the girls distracted him, and he wandered away. Tim and I felt a little sad to have lost such a superb lunging companion. But a few minutes later, the big man caught my eye again. He moved surreptitiously into the shadows of a small doorway in the wall separating the drinking area from the dancefloor. Slowly he lunged out of the darkness into the light, drawing an imaginary arrow from behind his head, and notching it to an imaginary bow, which he held firmly in his left hand. As he reached the nadir of his lunge, he drew the imaginary bow, then pivoted his upper body nearly ninety degrees to his left so that he was facing me. His eyes fixed on mine. He released his imaginary arrow, striking me in the heart, then smoothly, as if nothing had happened at all, withdrew back into the shadows.

It was the best thing I have ever seen. In that moment, from being a mere enthusiastic dabbler in the lunge, I decided to dedicate my waking hours to lunging, in the hope of one day being able to inspire others as the Hunter had inspired me. I practised my lunges for the rest of the night, but he left us regretfully in friendship, walking away with a trio of beautiful girls on his arms. We never saw him again.

Some say he is waiting, somewhere out there in the wide world, a gold-mine of banter, good cheer, and some really cool lunges that no-one else knows about yet. Others say he forgot everything he ever knew about lunging, and settled down for a quiet life as an accountant called Brian. But some say he was transfigured into a beam of light, and ascended to the sky like a lunging god, where on clear nights he can be seen as the constellation of stars known as Orion the Hunter, fixed eternally in the heavens in a mighty celestial lunge.

Roland O’Leary
Optimus Lunge

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

ninety five

per cent hate (see what I did there?) has featured some excellent posts recently.  It's maintained by an angry individual who - when not mocking people or running around London at extreme speeds - is a sporadic contributor to ZD. He also just happens to be Uncle Bellend's son in Middle Reality.

It's definitely worth subscribing to his rants.

Edit: ninety five per cent hate has now been taken off the internet. Of course it has. (April 2011)

Bellend on Mothers

Get a grip.
Few things are more annoying than new mothers who think that they are being useful to society simply by virtue of being a mother.  You know the sort; they're often mistakenly described as having a maternal 'glow'. This is in fact heat radiating smugly from their faces, fuelled by the self-satisfaction at having fulfilled their manifest fucking destiny to have children. Buoyed by the retarded belief that everybody is happy for them and wants to coo over their baby, such mothers waltz through life completely oblivious to the fact that the majority of people within 50 yards want to kill their noisy, filthy, misshapen sprog.

The last thing the world needs is more people: you're not doing anybody a favour by having a child. Nor, surprisingly, do you deserve special treatment. I don't want to hear about your baby. I do not want to see it. It should not be allowed near restaurants/cinemas/planes.  Piss off.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

The Childhood of Uncle Bellend

Extracts from Dr Liversage's reports, 1995-1996. Uncle is approximately 8 years old:

"Uncle is quite capable of convincing himself that the scrapes he gets into have come about by accident and he expresses complete indifference to any punishment which is imposed upon him.  His parents also described him as 'rigid' and arrogant' dominating his games with other children."

"He has developed the habit of ignoring his father which he knows upsets him and pretends that he has not heard him call."

"They described him sitting in a 'cupboard' in the classroom ... If he sits with other children, he appears to tap them and torment them persistently and will shout out his answers before the other children have a chance."

"He has no inhibition in telling his teachers why their punishments may be inappropriate or ineffective."

"For instance, on a recent trip to the supermarket, he made a bee line for the books, but started fighting with another child, because of some misunderstanding."

"Uncle accurately perceives himself in the volatile 'Coleric' group on the Eysenck Inventory"

Eysenck Personality Inventory (percentile scores):
Extravertion - 65th
Neuroticism - 77th
Lie Scale - 1st (i.e. Uncle is less likely to lie than 99% of the population)
"Uncle eschews deceit, as apparently, he sees no need for it in trying to enhance his image. One might suppose that he has little awareness or sensitivity to the opinion of others and therefore does not seek to disguise his short-comings." 

"He also showed some obsessional symptoms, having an aversion to wet grass on his clothes, lining up cars in straight lines and drawing pictures with excessive detail which persists even now."

"Occasionally, about once a month or so, Uncle will give sudden incoherent cries from the back of his throat which appear to have no meaning but once again appear spontaneously."


And from a Year 8 Geography school report: "Uncle is a real enigma! He is a keen and enthusiastic student ... excellent grasp ... knowledge is superb. However ... he can work well but only when isolated from other students (he is a menace to those around him)."

Monday, 3 May 2010

Polite Chinese Guy (part 2)

Below is an open letter sent by Tse/PCG to Robinson College. As you can see, he doesn't have high expectations at all:

Dear Robinson,

I would highly appreciate if you are able to help on this.

I am conducting my recent composition, Symphony in Polite Chinese Guy, at its premiere performance at Robinson on FRIDAY 7th MARCH (6:30 pm). The following instruments are cordially REQUIRED. If you play one of them to good standard, please would you get back to me ASAP?

Flutes (Two), Oboes (Two), Clarinets in B-flat (Two), Bassoons (Two).

Horns in F (ONLY TWO – We’ve got a good team out. NOBODY ELSE COME).
Trumpets in B-flat (Two), Trombones (One part doubled by two), Tuba (One).


First Violins (Twelve or more), Second Violins (Ten or more), Viola (Four or more), Violoncello (Eight or more), Double bass (Two or more).

Thank you so much for your attention. I look forward to hearing from you.
Best wishes,

Daniel Tse
RCSA Polite Chinese Guy 2007-8

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Polite Chinese Guy (part 1)

Polite Chinese Guy is not actually that polite, and he may not even be Chinese.  The name stuck after he was heard referring to Yeoh as "Mrs Yeoh", rather than the standard "Beckyyy" or "Qing Ru".

PCG became an immediate fixture at Robinson College, both figuratively and literally: he was always, always, in Front Court organising concerts on his phone. Some students swear that they have never walked through Front Court without seeing him there. Postcards of the college typically picture the Chapel (with its famous stained glass) and the whale fin, with PCG stood between the two.

Once the Red Brick Cafe (RBC) opened, PCG had a second haunt. Those who panicked at not seeing him in Front Court would be reassured on entering the RBC; there he would be sat, immaculately dressed and nursing an americano.  Scientists at the Middle Reality Institute of Theoretical Physics are investigating the tantalising possibility than PCG occupies both spaces at the same time, like a Bose-Einstein condensate in a smart jumper (although PCG is yet to exhibit wave-particle duality or interfere with himself, at least not in public). This would be a remarkable shift from the orthodox Tse Doctrine, which says that there are two separate PCG entities, PCG and Daniel Man-Hon Tse, with PCG occupying Front Court and Tse the RBC. The situation grew even more confusing when Daniel Tse was appointed RCSA Polite Chinese Guy in 2007.

              Polite Chinese Guy (right) pictured with Terrence Grimble.

In 2009, a rogue scientist claimed to have spotted PCG outside of his natural habitat, allegedly sat in the gardens sipping tea under the shade of an umbrella. An attempt to determine his precise location, however, rendered his momentum unobservable and PCG diffused up G staircase and into Front Court. This unconfirmed sighting is probably attributable to experimental error by the Nat Sci. A third year student, who wishes to remain nameless, dismissed this heretical rumour as "in very poor taste".

When not organising music with a Stakhanovite devotion (see part 2), PCG is busy ghostwriting Daniel ‘Man-Hon The Moon’ Tse's highly anticipated third book in his series, Never Tse Never, titled Some Might Tse (More-lett, December 2008 issue of The Brick, page 4). PCG lives in Front Court with Timothy Ng and their snare beatboxing son, Context Ng-Tse-Ng-Tse-Ng-Tse.

Friday, 30 April 2010

Snarr face, or "how our fan video got its own fan page"

35 Romsey are big fans of Napoleon Dynamite - it's probably the best that I know of.

In particular, we fucking love Don, who's played by Trevor Snarr.  As well as the most hilarious actor of all time, Snarr is also the son of the Mayor of Murray, Utah and once fought a burglar who had broken into his home.  He's an absolute legend.

Don's default expression is the Snarr face, a dismissive, incredulous expression, often coupled with an expulsion of air. He often deploys the Snarr face when ridiculing Napoleon.  We loved it so much that we made a video showing every Snarr face in the movie, which we uploaded to Youtube in July 2009.  Imagine our utter joy when we found a Facebook fan page, "doing the snarr face", dedicated to our video; whoever made that page, I want to build you a cake or something.

Good comeback

Old response to good comeback:  "ah, touché."

New, improved response to good comeback: "ah, deloitte."

(explanatory note: Deloitte Touche is one of the Big Four audit firms)

Saturday, 24 April 2010


Sabinewatch Update

The last we heard, Sabine was using the pseudonym Charlie Macquarie and hiding in a safehouse along with E5, Jonathan from Spotify and Howard from the Halifax (who moved in after the kid from the Frosties advert committed suicide).

Why do we keep letting him get away with it?
Recent leads suggest Sabine may now have left the safehouse disguised as a Hasidic Jew, possibly accompanied by Natalie Portman. He may or may not be using the alias Sabineberg.  Any sightings should be reported immediately to your nearest ZD representative.

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

5 fun games to play in the car

Directions: pull over and ask a passerby for directions in a hurried, panicked voice. Wait for them to start talking before looking over your shoulder, shouting "shit they're onto us" and driving off rapidly. You'll leave them mightily confused and looking around for the police (or possibly the mafia).
This game went very wrong when we asked this one guy for directions to the A14 from Robinson College. Not only did he gave us completely wrong directions, he repeatedly told us that he only had one arm, and then demanded money for his disability and for giving us (useless) directions. We drove off pretty quickly.

Trailing: find a car, pretend to be a gangster and trail it around town until the driver gets nervous. It's super effective if you switch your lights off. We made the mistake of following a BMW with blacked-out windows, and it was only when he started to double up his route and take us down one-way streets with no escape routes that we got worried and realised that he actually could be a gangster. Again, we drove off pretty quickly.

Adverse Camber: this game relies on the fact that a lot of people aren't entirely sure what an adverse camber is. Find a stretch of roads with an adverse camber (we used a bridge with roadworks) and, as you drive across it, frantically warn passing cyclists and pedestrians to watch out for the adverse camber - "be careful mate, watch out, there's an adverse camber ahead!".  If they don't look worried or confused enough, all lean to one side of the car to emphasise the point.

The Yes/No Game: this one's simple. Wind the windows down and drive around rating members of the other sex.  It's especially amusing when you come across, say, a group of 5 girls, and Rob leans out the window and picks them off individually: "No... NOOOO.... She's a definite Yes.... You at the back, NO .... Yes!" The game can be spiced up by rating out of 10, rather than just a simple yes/no.
Don't make the same mistake as Dingly, who insulted a cyclist just before we pulled up to a red light. Cue the hilarious image of him frantically trying to hide under his seat and wind his window up as the cyclist approached.

Official Race Car Game: Find a jogger, put your hazard lights on, slow down and shout motivational slogans at them: be their official race car.  Ian and Rob accompanied Horrocks (down Burrell's walk!) in Romsey 3.

Monday, 29 March 2010

Dingly not drinking milk (NEW VIDEO)

Typical Dingly: lies and a milk belly.

New video below, or click here.

Democracy Alive and Well in Robinson College Law Society

On Oct 27 2008, Dr Isabella Alexander wrote:
Subject: RE: Consultative committee

Dear all,

You may remember that some time ago I emailed asking for a volunteer for the Staff-Student Consultative Committee at the Law Faculty. Nitish responded first, so I was minded to give him the job. However, Carl also responded and apparently there have been some concerns that appointment to the committee is not democratic (not in this college, as far as I know, but from other students). If you would like to hold an election, please let me know!!
If I don't hear from anyone seeking to exercise their democratic rights by the end of the day, then Nitish can be our representative.

Best wishes,


Hi, no problem with letting Carl take the post on the consultative committee.
No need for an election!


Stew, Hirst and I would rather there was an election, to be honest, but we're prepared to let it go on this occasion.


Dear all,
Since everyone is being so diplomatic, perhaps we should have an election. To make life easier for all, I shall put a voting slip in each of your pigeonholes. It will have a number on it but I won't correlate the numbers to the person so voting will be anonymous. Anyone who wishes to vote should fill it out and give it to the porters to be put in my pigeonhole by 9am on Thursday morning (30 October). Obviously there is still some room for
vote-rigging but I am sure everyone will be honest! Let me know if this sounds like it might be a problem.
Best wishes,


In the circumstances perhaps we ought to have manifestos (let's keep them short - say 3000 words max) and hustings?


I may be going mad but who is Hirst? And why is he on my list?  


Hirst? He's a third year lawyer, sits with me and Stew. Changed over from Nat Sci I think.


Well, he'll have to go back to nat sci. I can't handle any more lawyers - especially if they're friends of you and Stew! And the same goes for Rob Ward, who also seems to have miraculously appeared on my list.


How strange, there must be a virus in the email list or something! I'll tell Hirst he can't change. He was so looking forward to studying Civil Law II as well...


Dear all,
After campaigning resembling that taking place currently across the Atlantic, we have a close-fought electoral victory of 7 votes to 6. Hereafter, Robinson shall be represented on the Staff-Student Consultative Committee by Nitish Upadhyaya. God bless democracy.


... recount?


Thursday, 25 March 2010

Bley Day (and a new video)

To celebrate the momentous occasion that is Bley's birthday, ZD Studios has released a video in his honour (see below):

aka: the Social Hand Grenade, the Grenade, the Social Trebuchet, Trebu-bley (and Crummers to a select few).

Bley is an absolute weapon in a social situation.  If not carefully supervised, he's liable to go "BOOM" at any moment.  He's not even a cool weapon like a flick knife or a neutron bomb. No, he's more like a landmine detonating during a kid's party: conversation comes to a standstill and small children are left traumatised and limbless.  Hence the inspired naming of Bley as "the Social Grenade", which quickly evolved into "the Grenade" and even "the Trebuchet" when he's on devastatingly bad form.

Bley, never one to mince his words, came to a memorable (and accurate) conclusion about Lord Boredom's character, saying "Stew has a vanilla personality. I don't remember him very well." He had more luck with Ian, another reprobate who's not adverse to social detonation.  As is his way, Ian added Bley on Hubclub months before actually meeting him in Upper Reality.  After hearing the "vanilla personality" story, Ian said "Bley remembers me, and I've never even met him!". Ward replied "that's because you make a nuisance of yourself on Facebook and invite yourself to his house." When they finally met at Desh's birthday, they both remarked that it was as though they'd known each other for years. Thus two weapons were beautifully fused together, like a bayonet fixed atop a rifle, or a pitbull equipped with throwing stars: Happy Bley Day everybody!

Monday, 22 March 2010

Ethics and the Criminal Law: Euthanasia

This essay* was published by ZD MMP in April 2009.  It was instrumental in persuading the Director of Public Prosecutions to change his policy in respect of cases of encouraging or assisting suicide and has since being cited with approval in the higher courts (in Middle Reality, naturally).

Ian Sadler, the author of the essay, is a regular contributor to ZD.

*full title: Does A’s earnest, considered and rationally understandable request to be killed (or helped to die) make the criminalisation of B–who provides the requested assistance–impermissible?

Monday, 15 March 2010

dureX Factor

ZD has an exclusive, behind-the-scenes video of Tom Hirst (who nearly got to the first stage of auditions for X Factor 2008!) chillaxing in the garden with fans and working on new material.  Hirst is one of the more successful musicians in the ZD stable, with a string of hits including The Way I Hirst, Bohemian Hirstody, 50 May Ball Tickets and backing vocal credits on the worldwide phenomenon Yeoh Technology.

It's viewable now on youtube and at Hirst's hubclub fan page.

Saturday, 27 February 2010

A brief update.

Just to say that the ZD blog will be quiet for the next week or two, but there will be a LOT of new content added after that - we're getting it ready for publication right now.

Click Follow (it's on the right) and you'll know when all the exciting new stuff arrives!

Thursday, 18 February 2010

More from Uncle Bellend

Road names that change
So there's a slight bend in the road.  That is not a valid reason to change the name!  We're not in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Pissing Night-time here - no autistic kids are going to lose it just because a road that isn't perfectly straight keeps the same name.  I bet the Royal Mail's behind this - it'll be a union thing - or (more probably) it's due to grafting modern town planning on to medieval settlements. But it's not acceptable in any case.

Church Street and "Church Road", Warsop?  I'm looking right at you. And don't even get me started on King's Parade and "Trumpington St" in Cambridge.  Ridiculous.

Absolutely vile.

"Miscellaneous Musings" by Uncle Bellend

Uncle Bellend is one of Middle Reality's more unstable characters. We occasionally let him out for some fresh air, and recenntly he has had this to say:

Jobs for black men
ZD FOTD: There are two jobs that I've only ever seen black men doing, namely "carwasher" in supermarket car parks and "toilet freshen-up guy" in nightclubs. It's actually illegal* for anybody other than a black man to perform one of these roles. As well as overpriced aftershaves and hair gel, it's customary for the toilet guy to supply you with witticisms, such as a tuneful "fresh-en up, fresh-en up, for punani".
*it's actually not
** This post isn't racist, by the way. Just in case you thought it was. It's not. So that's okay then.
UPDATE: June 2011's new sayings.

I love it that somebody got a job in insurance and now gets paid to pretend to be a meerkat on Twitter! Love it! @Aleksandr_Orlov

Black Eyed Peas: "I travelled across the universe and the other galaxies." Basic astronomy fail right there.

I don't understand why the Childcatcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang loses his disguise as soon as he's caught the kids. Why not stay as a sweet seller? No, just gallop through the streets cackling with 2 screaming children locked in a fucking cage on wheels. WHY?!

Dogs & Lifts
Fact 1: People are famously awkward in lifts: standing in close proximity to a stranger for a period of time too long to stay silent, yet too short to develop a proper conversation, results in embarrassing conversations.
Fact 2: People (especially the British) generally like dogs and will often talk to a stranger's cute dog rather than to said stranger (the same applies to talking to babies). Dogs often provide a talking piece.
Solution: Put toilet-trained dogs in all lifts.

Baby's hair
I hate it when adverts say "for baby", as though it's a unified concept, or there is only one in existence - the Baby, with a capital 'B'. "Shampoo for baby's hair" - no, it's for "a baby's hair", for fuck's sake.

Off of
Scott Mills is to blame for this one. "Heidi off of the Sugababes", "Paul off of Leicester"; no Scott, Heidi is from the Sugababes, and Paul is from Leicester. You can be "off of" a TV show - "Ross off of Friends" - and that's about it. Prick.

Tea Haiku
hot steamish fluid
flushed through leaves in blue teapots
black, milk or lemon.

Coke Zero
Coke Zero is literally that. Zero. Nada. 'Real' Coke has a great taste all of its own – completely different to any other cola – Diet Coke is dishwater, and best avoided, but Zero is like drinking a vacuum. It's not 'nothing' in the way water is - water tastes of something - it literally tastes of nothing.
When it was launched, I instantly preferred it to the diet variety, and decided that no matter how good real Coke tasted, it contained too much sugar. Zero won out, despite not tasting as good. I still think it's far better than Diet Coke, but I've reconsidered my stance in Zero's battle with The Real Thing™: it's not a patch on it. Give me diabetes any day. Put a can of Zero to your lips and you gulp at wet air, and you don't need a can to be able to do that.

Wikipedia Semen
The Google Image search result for "wikipedia wiki" is somewhat unexpected - instead of the wikipedia logo, you get a wikipedia page showing two cartoon women "snowballing" semen between their mouths. Unusual to say the least.

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

"She was dead when I got there!"

"Dead when I got there" - this great phrase was coined by the Romsey boys during a McDonald's therapy visit in 2008. It was inspired by the shocking murder of model Sally Anne Bowman in 2005, in which she was stabbed 7 times as she was raped. So far, so not good. But hilarity ensues when we come to Mark Dixie's defence: Dixie, who was eventually convicted of her murder (with a minimum term of 34 years, among the longest ever imposed upon a single murderer), sought to rely on the previously unknown (and unnamed) “dead when I got there!” defence.

Picture the scene: you have been called as solicitor for the defence.  It's the early hours of the morning, and you've just arrived at the police station to attempt to piece a defence together for this man.  You talk to him, seeking something to work with, an alibi, anything.  It emerges his defence is basically “I came across her dead body and, yeah, I raped her, I'm not ashamed to admit it. But she was dead when I got there, honest!  Not that I killed her.”  You put your head in your hands and weep.

To quote a report of the trial, “[Dixie] admits that he had sex with her corpse but denies killing her. Mark Dixie says he was high and drunk when he found Sally Anne Bowman’s body and took 'advantage of the situation', the prosecutor said today at the Old Bailey, adding, 'That, astonishingly, is his defence.'”  Even the CPS think this defence is fucking hilarious!  I don't know if I'm just hopelessly naïve, but taking advantage of a situation is helping yourself to a mate's drink while he's nipped to the loo, or eating too much at a free buffet.   Raping a dead body, and then giving that as your defence to a murder charge, is so far past the line of “taking advantage of the situation”.

Nevertheless, this brutal crime has given rise to a brilliantly useful phrase.  If your situation is so bad that “I raped her dead body” is the best defence you can possibly come up with, you might as well just throw your hands in the air and say "dead when I got there!". It sums it up perfectly.

For example, Uncle Desh applied the phrase to the Jill Dando case, saying "anyone seen Barry George's story? He claims he couldn't have killed Jill Dando because he was stalking another women at the time. His excuse is up there with 'dead when i got there!'" The phrase also emerged on Robinson College Law Revision Week during a "upa-da-poopa" drinking game, rather bizarrely, where it was used for the 'skip two people' rule (see the video at 2:45).

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

It's the idea that matters, not the artist

The early 2000s saw complete unknowns enjoying their "15 minutes of fame" with the emergence of reality television. The lives of these people were briefly in the media spotlight, despite having contributed nothing of worth.  As we move into the next decade, it's worth noting how measures of fame have changed, especially on the internet.  Web 2.0 first went mainstream in 2006, with content shared and created by ordinary people - people who had previously been end-users only - spreading across the net as sites such as Flickr, Wikipedia and Youtube allowed for rapid dissemination of information like never before.  It's arguable that, as we bid farewell to the 2000s (and ten years of Big Brother), fame is centred not on the individual but rather on content, concepts and memes. 

Ideas now spread virally and are shared through sites such as Hubclub (Facebook), Stumbleupon and Twitter. 76 million people have viewed the Harry Potter Puppet Pals videos on Youtube, yet very few of them will know that it was created by a Neil Cicierega.  Angry Hitler, Lolcats and Chuck Norris facts; millions will be familiar with these memes, but very few will know the creative minds behind them.  Such a situation is unthinkable for the old media of film, television, print and music.  Internet anonymity, both in terms of the creator as a person (worthy of "tabloid interest", so to speak) and the creator as a creator, is perhaps due to the wikiesque volunteering of ideas that is characteristic of the online community.  Contributions are made without any expectation of monetary reward or copyright.   On the internet, it's the idea that matters, not the artist.

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Nazi Charities

#nazicharities is currently trending on Twitter.  Here are some of the better suggestions.  Hilarious but oh so wrong:

Nazi charities

Save the Panzer
Charity Zyklonathon
Fuhrers for Jewstice
Aid For Afrikakorps
Hitler Youth Hostel Association
Global Achtung Plan
Help the Aged (into the showers)
Reich For Life
Royal National Socialist Lifeboat Institute
Heil for Heroes
Holocaustes sans frontiere
Wermacht a Wish Foundation
Führer's for Jewstice

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Cheers Rogers!

Rogers n. the act of telling a boring story that's going nowhere; also a name applied to a person with shit chat.

Rogers stories are usually long-winded and convoluted, although expert Rogers such as Fi have perfected the art of making even the shortest story boring. Most Rogers stories are forced upon their audiences unprompted, unrequested and unwanted.

Anybody who has been subjected to a Rogers will usually let the teller know they're boring with a well-timed “cheers Rogers”.

A “cheers Rogers” can sometimes be pre-empted by the teller quickly adding a defensive “true story” to the end of the tale. For Fi, the ability to add “true story” to anything she says has proven to be a useful life skill.

This concept was introduced to ZD and Romsey by Uncle Desh in early 2007, and is named after one of his Newcastle friends, Andrew Rogers, who was famed for his terrible chat. It has developed into one of ZD's most successful concepts and has spread from Newcastle to Cambridge, and then to London, Nottingham, Portsmouth, York, Leeds and Whitwellshire.

Notable Rogers: You all know who you are. I can think of at least 6...

Garden Warfare

Garden Warfare (known as "zdlaxdsniping" pre-Romsey) - Awesome fun. First played in November 2007, in the garden at Romsey Terrace, Garden Warfare involved the Legend, Dingly and Caradosh, armed with BB guns and wearing camouflaged clothes, hunting Desh in the dark.  Desh, as a civilian, wore brightly coloured clothing and was armed only with a supersoaker water pistol.  Desh had the advantage that it was easier to wet somebody than hit them with a BB gun, but the gun inflicted A LOT of pain when it did hit.

No footage exists of actual full-on, night-time garden warfare, but these 2 short videos give a general idea:

This college-wide email illustrates the (hilarious) consequences of including non-combatants in Garden Warfare:

From: Dan Southcoat 

To: robinson-undergrads@lists.cam.ac.uk
Date: 14 May 2007 20:38:37 +0100
Subject: Shooting in College

Dear College,

We have received several complaints about the use of a BB Gun in College. It is generally not a good idea to shoot anyone but using random, unsuspecting people for target practice is not only alarming for the person involved but also dangerous.

We know that exams are a stressful time and although shooting people might release some of your tension it doesn't really do that for the other person so please find another way of relieving your exam stress!

Dan and Clare

From the ZD Archives: Rob's List of "Things Stew Hates" - started Michaelmas 2008.

Rob - under my constant supervision, of course - actually archived this list really well. I'm very proud of him.

(Barnaby Mollett - "This list is literally one of my favourite things ever.")

Stew is, by all accounts, a happy and well-balanced guy. He leads a good life. But there are a few things that he dislikes...

Fancy dress
Sitting in the front seat
Bodily Contact (unless leading to sex)
Early Christmas celebrations
Cricket (and the Ashes)
Brick (in Anchorman)
Match of the Day 2
Adrian Chiles
The List itself (This list)
Fire alarms
'Cambridge Christmas'
Hobbs Sports
Mulled wine
Posthumous praise (e.g. John Lennon)
Garden Warfare
Certain football players, incl. Ian Durrant
Lawrence Dallaglio
Nigel Mansell
Certain Robinson people
Baby P inconsistency in the media
Robinson Choir
Royal Bank of Scotland
Real Tennis
Short-sleeved shirts
Cambridge University Football Club
Cambridge University Football Club in Cindies
Rangers FC
Hearts FC
Alan Walbridge's theorising on the free market
Going to the gym
Being forced to buy gym membership for a team for which he doesn't even play
Fi getting him into trouble unwittingly
Macaroni and cheese
Notion of swaps as a match (e.g. Girton Monsters v Tit Hall Honeysuckles)
Grease, Dirty Dancing
'Cambridge' as a concept
The concept of 'Cambridge' as a concept
Concepts as a concept (very abstract)
Having flaws in the List pointed out to him
Ipod (aka Emad Zand), Emad's dress sense, Persian Swedes in general
Wrestling on his bed
*** CENSORED ***
Duck (the meat)
'Girls' Night Out' as a concept
Pets (and animals in general)
Freddy (the feeling's mutual)
Ian touching Stew's neck
Ian trying to be healthy
Ian's "Work to do!"
Ian working when Stew doesn't think Ian has work to do
Ian locking his door and ignoring Stew if Rob isn't in
Scouting for Girls, The Feeling
People not splitting the bill
Next Gen gym tennis shop
Ian's puppy dog face
Bono, Sting, Bob Geldof, Coldplay
Rob taking his railcard
The 4.32pm Victoria to Bognor Regis train
Adverts on the back of newspapers where you expect the sport to be
The Beachboys
The grates on college walkways
People putting inappropriate heavy metal on the jukebox in the bar
Peaches Geldof
Yeoh reading his (supposedly) private messages
The sea
Boys with absolutely no interest in football
Hirst not letting people in his room straightaway
Ian's inconsistent hygiene habits
Sweet machines that give you "about 6 minstrels for 20p"
Robert Peston
ITV News
People who make Stew take a non-neutral POV
New Year resolutions (except for giving up drugs or smoking)
The concept of 'New Year resolutions'
Pink Floyd
Being called 'Stew' rather than 'Stewart'
Being called 'Gimpy' rather than 'Stewart'
Jamie Oliver
People who make a big deal out of being single on Valentine's day
Gypsies (but not in a racist way: Roma are fine, Pikeys are not)
David Pleat and Andy Townsend
Camouflage shorts
People wearing camouflage shorts as 'smart' shorts
People deliberately getting offended by things
Work crises
Ridiculous reactions to the CUSU LGBT news
People being in a relationship with friends on Hubclub
Shia LeBoef

[see also: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=630811951000 - "...A relaxing punt down the river to Grantchester is livened up by Stew's morbid phobia of water, swans, ducks, pondweed, trees... pretty much everything you find in, on or near a river, making punting a particularly stupid choice of a day out for this gimpy Scotsman...."]

Stew likes:
Chinese girls with boyfriends
Influencing people's music tastes
Mini Christmas trees
Hirst's black and blue Ladpants
Making up facts about camping equipment he's trying to sell
Spanish football stadiums
Sam Allardyce
Jelly Beans

Ian hates:
Stew's poor quality paper
Stew saying 'huh?'
Stew coming into Ian's room and talking to him
Stew thinking everything is 'the funniest thing ever!'
People who think Stew is funny: he's just not
Stew having no concept of time or distance

Ian likes:
Stew's 'raagh' sick noise
Gleaning from Stew's notes

Nizzle v. Dingly

35 Romsey present a clash of the titans...


We've often chided Dingly for being a poor man's Nizzle - Value Nizzle, or bargain basement Dove, if you will. They both sail, both are pretty posh, both ski and both have very funny friends. But after Dingly questioned whether he really was the inferior of the two, we decided to put them head to head in an empirical test. ZD statisticians have toiled on this for literally minutes, and we welcome your feedback and votes.

'LAD?': (Nizzle) Lad Lad v. (Dingly) Fat Lad
MATES: Lads Lads Lads. and the Girls. v. 35 Romsey, Mem, Steve, Stoker, Bounds. Leroy. Tit Hall: Zoe, Fari, Farfs, Dave Lock.
ACTIVITIES: Sailing, tripping Cairns up skiing, rugby, being a Lad. v. "Sailing", "off-piste" skiing, Halo 3, bonsai tree maintenance, Tithalling, pretentious jazz.
CLOTHES: Lad Casual - Lad Pants, rugby attire, Jack Wills v. Wolfmajor civvies - Teatowel scarf, Gaming slippers, burglar gear, moose.
QUOTES: "Corlett!", "Rush, Rush, get a photo, Rush", "shagging", "Lads - no, not you" (to Ian and Rob) v. "Mem, I specifically asked for chicken breast", "It's changed since then!", "I really don't have time for this, bye", "The council will pay", "Vodka revs mate"... ... ...
ACADEMIA: Land Ec., coming into the law library to look for Grush v. Made-up dissertations on T-cells, pretending to work in the library
SMUGNESS Nizzle sneer - standing over Dingly in an intimidating manner in the TV room before stroking his face v. Smug knob nod, Von Wirstisms, Silent Expert Noise
GIRLS: He's a Lad - "shagging" v. Tithalling
ACCOMMODATION: sofa, Legacy Landing, unlocked doors v. entertainment suite: Blu Ray player, coffee maker, Penn Plaza, bonsai trees

It's too close to call...

Importing a few posts from Hubclub Notes...

Shouldn't laugh, but...

"On March 28, 2008, Wired News reported that "Internet griefers"—a makeshift term for people who cause grief—assaulted an epilepsy support forum run by the Epilepsy Foundation of America.JavaScript code and flashing computer animations were posted with the intention of triggering migraine headaches and seizures in photosensitive and pattern-sensitive epileptics.According to Wired News, circumstantial evidence suggested that the attack was perpetrated by Anonymous users, with the initial attack posts on the epilepsy forum blaming eBaum's World. Members of the epilepsy forum claimed they had found a thread in which the attack was being planned at 7chan.org, an imageboard that has been described as a stronghold for Anonymous. The thread, like all old threads eventually do on these types of imageboards, has since cycled to deletion.

RealTechNews reported that the forum at the United Kingdom–based National Society for Epilepsy was also subjected to an identical attack. It stated that "apparent members of Anonymous" had denied responsibility for both attacks and posted that it had been the Church of Scientology who carried them out."



RollonFriday.com  - Judge rules sexual harassment "gallant"

A Russian judge has ruled that sexual harassment in the workplace is necessary to continue the human race.

A twenty two year old advertising executive had brought a claim of sexual harassment against her forty seven year old boss. She alleged that she had been locked out of her office after refusing to have sex with him and that he would ask female colleagues to signal "with their eyes that they desperately wanted to be laid on the boardroom table".

The judge dismissed the case stating that what the employee had seen as harassment was in fact just gallant behaviour. In his ruling the judge told the court that "without sexual harassment we would have no children" and dismissed the case as an overreaction on the woman's part.

Only two women in Russia have won a sexual harassment case since the collapse of the Soviet Union.

ZD's Guide to E5 and the Credit Crisis

Not to be confused with Renaissance Hitler, who lived in Room E5 in Robinson College in 2008-09.

  • E5 invented short selling (or rather discovered it)
  • E5 did the motion capture work for Pro Evo
  • E5 caused the Credit Crunch
  • E5 is in hiding with Jonathan from Spotify and the Frosties Kid
Think he sounds like an interesting character? Read on...

Who was the most hated man in the world last year?
Bin Laden? Mostly forgotten...
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Not even close...
CBBC's Ade Adepitan, MBE? - Well, I don't like him...

Nope, this dubious honour goes to a angry, bald Scotsman whom the Financial Services Authority named as “the individual at the heart of the economic meltdown”.

[[Photograph of E5 removed at the insistence of his legal team.]]

E5, also known as E6, “Stew's dad” and “the bastard who lost my money”, is widely acknowledged to have caused the global financial crisis in 2007.

E5 graduated from the University of Life in 1980 and immediately entered the Icelandic financial sector (whilst also doing a bit on the side as a bailiff). Starting work as a lowly desk clerk, E5 had his breakthrough: looking through some old documents during a mundane night at the office, he discovered 'short selling' hidden down the back of an old filing cabinet. A meteoric rise to banking stardom soon followed. E5 is also renowned for his motion capture work on Konami's series of “Pro Evolution Soccer” games.

It is believed that E5's nickname dates from this time at Konami. When the famed Romsey FC team were being developed by coders from “team E”, one generic player was left unfinished in the team, and this bald, nondescript character bore a startling resemblance to the man who to become E5. His shirt number was 5, his team was known as E, and the name stuck. Working on Pro Evo was a happy time for E5. Not only did he help launch one of the most popular football games of all time, but he also masterminded a lucrative array of so-called “urban sports”, with such titles as Derivatives Dash, Urban Bear Market, Sim Shortselling and Knock-and-go-round-the-Back 2:Modern Warfare.

However, everything began to go sour for E5 in 2007. The year started comfortably, with E5's routine shortselling and repossessing work going well: in March, he told a reporter that breaking and entering
as a bailiff had "never been more fun". It was during this period that he received an entry in the Oxford English Dictionary: “E5'ed, verb, to be evicted or to have one's house repossessed”. One notable example of E5's success in 2007 was the eviction of a cell of Greek fascists from L staircase, Robinson College, Cambridge during May Week; a significant cache of arms was seized.

E5's downfall began with the collapse of the French banking giant BNP Paribas, an event for which he has (unfairly) attracted much of the blame. However, the subsequent destruction of the Icelandic economy, and the resultant catastrophic problems for the entire global market, can be solely attributed to E5.

Rather than deal with the mess he had created, E5 took the Scottish approach and 'legged it'. An intercepted text to his son admitted his guilt: “I know it's all down to me, word is out” (2nd May 2009). He is currently under investigation by a wide array of prosecutors, financial regulators and private detectives, and is believed to be in hiding in a house owned by his brother-in-law Fred Goodwin, who agreed to take some of the blame for E5. The McAlpine family, noted construction magnates, are also rumoured to know his whereabouts, and have come under extreme pressure for information from those who seek E5, loyal fans and sworn enemies alike.

For some, his heroic shortselling and Pro Evo defensive work have defined their lives; for others, suffering under the recession, he serves as a hated figurehead for FASCIST 'fat cat' bankers living off bailout cash provided by the hard-working taxpayer. The 2009 G20 meeting was renamed the E5 Summit in his honour, and Robert Peston even referred to E5 as a “pretentious twat who wasn't that good at football and is even worse at banking”. The government-owned UK Super Financial Investments Wing Ltd, the world's largest bank, was established solely to deal with the mess left behind by E5 and Goodwin. Further controversy was also created by a recent Daily Mail article, in which it was alleged that E5's involvement with the 'cash-for-peerages' saga could not be ruled out.

A breakthrough came in early 2009, when it was discovered that E5 had been deceiving authorities and hiding under the ingenious false name of 'E6'. Evidence emerged that E5 was staying at a safehouse along with Charlie Sabine, Jonathan from Spotify and the kid from the Frosties advert.

ZD Reporter Tom Hirst stumbled across the house a few months later, only to find the Frosties kid having committed suicide and Howard from the Halifax moving in, apparently due to E5's devious plotting with the Lloyds TSB horse to pin the recession on him.
Good riddance.
Since E5 was named a 'person of interest' by the authorities, the detailed scrutiny of his life has revealed a number of financial irregularities. Forensic investigations into E5's personal accounts have revealed significant, regular transfers of money to a Singaporean national bank account. One theorist has proposed that this may be linked to his son's failed extra-marital relationship with the wife of current Singaporean president, Yi-xun Tan,
The President of Singapore (right), pictured with a balloon wearing a hat (left).
and that E5 may not be the monster the media has portrayed him to be; instead, he may just be a desperate, loving father doing what he can for his unplanned offspring (Zand; 2008).

E5 is rumoured to be the guest speaker at ZD's 9th birthday celebrations on 5th December 2009.

Further reading:
Zand, E-made, "Fat Cat or Lad Dad? Shortselling in the Home" (2008)
ZD Financial Studies Journal 243.

Notable relations:
Lord Boredom – E5's son
G5, notable shoddy architect – E5's father-in-law, Boredom's grandad
Fred Goodwin, disgraced former Chief Executive of RBS – E5's brother-in-law
Lionel, Dingly's mum – E5's mistress

Napoleon Dynamite Drinking Game

Requires: A copy of Napoleon Dynamite; Beverages

Rules - Drink every time:

1. Napoleon says “God/Gosh”, “Flip”, "Flipping", “Yessss”, "Large talons" or “Heck yes!"

2. Napoleon sighs

3. Uncle Rico discusses the past, throws something or gets something thrown at him

4. Napoleon is shown drawing, or any of his drawings are shown onscreen

5. Somebody in the room is compared to one of the characters (x2 if it's Lord Boredom being compared)

6. Rex says “Forget about it”

7. Don pulls the Snarr Face (see here for a video illustrating this - update: this video has been removed by YouTube. We'll try to re-add it ASAP.)

8. Napoleon runs or dances

9. When Napoleon tilts his head back and drinks, you down your drink

If you want to play the Ultimate Rules...

10. Drink every time Napoleon talks with his eyes closed.

Become a fan of this game on facebook.

The above rules were created by the Romsey boys - www.zduk.co.uk.
I originally posted it on the ZDpedia here.

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