* coming 2015 - possibly.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

"Miscellaneous Musings" by Uncle Bellend

Uncle Bellend is one of Middle Reality's more unstable characters. We occasionally let him out for some fresh air, and recenntly he has had this to say:

Jobs for black men
ZD FOTD: There are two jobs that I've only ever seen black men doing, namely "carwasher" in supermarket car parks and "toilet freshen-up guy" in nightclubs. It's actually illegal* for anybody other than a black man to perform one of these roles. As well as overpriced aftershaves and hair gel, it's customary for the toilet guy to supply you with witticisms, such as a tuneful "fresh-en up, fresh-en up, for punani".
*it's actually not
** This post isn't racist, by the way. Just in case you thought it was. It's not. So that's okay then.
UPDATE: June 2011's new sayings.

I love it that somebody got a job in insurance and now gets paid to pretend to be a meerkat on Twitter! Love it! @Aleksandr_Orlov

Black Eyed Peas: "I travelled across the universe and the other galaxies." Basic astronomy fail right there.

I don't understand why the Childcatcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang loses his disguise as soon as he's caught the kids. Why not stay as a sweet seller? No, just gallop through the streets cackling with 2 screaming children locked in a fucking cage on wheels. WHY?!

Dogs & Lifts
Fact 1: People are famously awkward in lifts: standing in close proximity to a stranger for a period of time too long to stay silent, yet too short to develop a proper conversation, results in embarrassing conversations.
Fact 2: People (especially the British) generally like dogs and will often talk to a stranger's cute dog rather than to said stranger (the same applies to talking to babies). Dogs often provide a talking piece.
Solution: Put toilet-trained dogs in all lifts.

Baby's hair
I hate it when adverts say "for baby", as though it's a unified concept, or there is only one in existence - the Baby, with a capital 'B'. "Shampoo for baby's hair" - no, it's for "a baby's hair", for fuck's sake.

Off of
Scott Mills is to blame for this one. "Heidi off of the Sugababes", "Paul off of Leicester"; no Scott, Heidi is from the Sugababes, and Paul is from Leicester. You can be "off of" a TV show - "Ross off of Friends" - and that's about it. Prick.

Tea Haiku
hot steamish fluid
flushed through leaves in blue teapots
black, milk or lemon.

Coke Zero
Coke Zero is literally that. Zero. Nada. 'Real' Coke has a great taste all of its own – completely different to any other cola – Diet Coke is dishwater, and best avoided, but Zero is like drinking a vacuum. It's not 'nothing' in the way water is - water tastes of something - it literally tastes of nothing.
When it was launched, I instantly preferred it to the diet variety, and decided that no matter how good real Coke tasted, it contained too much sugar. Zero won out, despite not tasting as good. I still think it's far better than Diet Coke, but I've reconsidered my stance in Zero's battle with The Real Thing™: it's not a patch on it. Give me diabetes any day. Put a can of Zero to your lips and you gulp at wet air, and you don't need a can to be able to do that.

Wikipedia Semen
The Google Image search result for "wikipedia wiki" is somewhat unexpected - instead of the wikipedia logo, you get a wikipedia page showing two cartoon women "snowballing" semen between their mouths. Unusual to say the least.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...