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Sunday, 7 February 2010

ZD's Guide to E5 and the Credit Crisis

Not to be confused with Renaissance Hitler, who lived in Room E5 in Robinson College in 2008-09.

THE FACTS
  • E5 invented short selling (or rather discovered it)
  • E5 did the motion capture work for Pro Evo
  • E5 caused the Credit Crunch
  • E5 is in hiding with Jonathan from Spotify and the Frosties Kid
Think he sounds like an interesting character? Read on...


Who was the most hated man in the world last year?
Bin Laden? Mostly forgotten...
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Not even close...
CBBC's Ade Adepitan, MBE? - Well, I don't like him...

twat.
Nope, this dubious honour goes to a angry, bald Scotsman whom the Financial Services Authority named as “the individual at the heart of the economic meltdown”.

[[Photograph of E5 removed at the insistence of his legal team.]]

E5, also known as E6, “Stew's dad” and “the bastard who lost my money”, is widely acknowledged to have caused the global financial crisis in 2007.

E5 graduated from the University of Life in 1980 and immediately entered the Icelandic financial sector (whilst also doing a bit on the side as a bailiff). Starting work as a lowly desk clerk, E5 had his breakthrough: looking through some old documents during a mundane night at the office, he discovered 'short selling' hidden down the back of an old filing cabinet. A meteoric rise to banking stardom soon followed. E5 is also renowned for his motion capture work on Konami's series of “Pro Evolution Soccer” games.

It is believed that E5's nickname dates from this time at Konami. When the famed Romsey FC team were being developed by coders from “team E”, one generic player was left unfinished in the team, and this bald, nondescript character bore a startling resemblance to the man who to become E5. His shirt number was 5, his team was known as E, and the name stuck. Working on Pro Evo was a happy time for E5. Not only did he help launch one of the most popular football games of all time, but he also masterminded a lucrative array of so-called “urban sports”, with such titles as Derivatives Dash, Urban Bear Market, Sim Shortselling and Knock-and-go-round-the-Back 2:Modern Warfare.

However, everything began to go sour for E5 in 2007. The year started comfortably, with E5's routine shortselling and repossessing work going well: in March, he told a reporter that breaking and entering
as a bailiff had "never been more fun". It was during this period that he received an entry in the Oxford English Dictionary: “E5'ed, verb, to be evicted or to have one's house repossessed”. One notable example of E5's success in 2007 was the eviction of a cell of Greek fascists from L staircase, Robinson College, Cambridge during May Week; a significant cache of arms was seized.

E5's downfall began with the collapse of the French banking giant BNP Paribas, an event for which he has (unfairly) attracted much of the blame. However, the subsequent destruction of the Icelandic economy, and the resultant catastrophic problems for the entire global market, can be solely attributed to E5.

Rather than deal with the mess he had created, E5 took the Scottish approach and 'legged it'. An intercepted text to his son admitted his guilt: “I know it's all down to me, word is out” (2nd May 2009). He is currently under investigation by a wide array of prosecutors, financial regulators and private detectives, and is believed to be in hiding in a house owned by his brother-in-law Fred Goodwin, who agreed to take some of the blame for E5. The McAlpine family, noted construction magnates, are also rumoured to know his whereabouts, and have come under extreme pressure for information from those who seek E5, loyal fans and sworn enemies alike.

For some, his heroic shortselling and Pro Evo defensive work have defined their lives; for others, suffering under the recession, he serves as a hated figurehead for FASCIST 'fat cat' bankers living off bailout cash provided by the hard-working taxpayer. The 2009 G20 meeting was renamed the E5 Summit in his honour, and Robert Peston even referred to E5 as a “pretentious twat who wasn't that good at football and is even worse at banking”. The government-owned UK Super Financial Investments Wing Ltd, the world's largest bank, was established solely to deal with the mess left behind by E5 and Goodwin. Further controversy was also created by a recent Daily Mail article, in which it was alleged that E5's involvement with the 'cash-for-peerages' saga could not be ruled out.

A breakthrough came in early 2009, when it was discovered that E5 had been deceiving authorities and hiding under the ingenious false name of 'E6'. Evidence emerged that E5 was staying at a safehouse along with Charlie Sabine, Jonathan from Spotify and the kid from the Frosties advert.

ZD Reporter Tom Hirst stumbled across the house a few months later, only to find the Frosties kid having committed suicide and Howard from the Halifax moving in, apparently due to E5's devious plotting with the Lloyds TSB horse to pin the recession on him.
Good riddance.
Since E5 was named a 'person of interest' by the authorities, the detailed scrutiny of his life has revealed a number of financial irregularities. Forensic investigations into E5's personal accounts have revealed significant, regular transfers of money to a Singaporean national bank account. One theorist has proposed that this may be linked to his son's failed extra-marital relationship with the wife of current Singaporean president, Yi-xun Tan,
The President of Singapore (right), pictured with a balloon wearing a hat (left).
and that E5 may not be the monster the media has portrayed him to be; instead, he may just be a desperate, loving father doing what he can for his unplanned offspring (Zand; 2008).

E5 is rumoured to be the guest speaker at ZD's 9th birthday celebrations on 5th December 2009.

Further reading:
Zand, E-made, "Fat Cat or Lad Dad? Shortselling in the Home" (2008)
ZD Financial Studies Journal 243.

Notable relations:
Lord Boredom – E5's son
G5, notable shoddy architect – E5's father-in-law, Boredom's grandad
Fred Goodwin, disgraced former Chief Executive of RBS – E5's brother-in-law
Lionel, Dingly's mum – E5's mistress

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