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Wednesday, 12 May 2010

The Childhood of Uncle Bellend

Extracts from Dr Liversage's reports, 1995-1996. Uncle is approximately 8 years old:

"Uncle is quite capable of convincing himself that the scrapes he gets into have come about by accident and he expresses complete indifference to any punishment which is imposed upon him.  His parents also described him as 'rigid' and arrogant' dominating his games with other children."

"He has developed the habit of ignoring his father which he knows upsets him and pretends that he has not heard him call."

"They described him sitting in a 'cupboard' in the classroom ... If he sits with other children, he appears to tap them and torment them persistently and will shout out his answers before the other children have a chance."

"He has no inhibition in telling his teachers why their punishments may be inappropriate or ineffective."

"For instance, on a recent trip to the supermarket, he made a bee line for the books, but started fighting with another child, because of some misunderstanding."

"Uncle accurately perceives himself in the volatile 'Coleric' group on the Eysenck Inventory"

Eysenck Personality Inventory (percentile scores):
Extravertion - 65th
Neuroticism - 77th
Lie Scale - 1st (i.e. Uncle is less likely to lie than 99% of the population)
"Uncle eschews deceit, as apparently, he sees no need for it in trying to enhance his image. One might suppose that he has little awareness or sensitivity to the opinion of others and therefore does not seek to disguise his short-comings." 

"He also showed some obsessional symptoms, having an aversion to wet grass on his clothes, lining up cars in straight lines and drawing pictures with excessive detail which persists even now."

"Occasionally, about once a month or so, Uncle will give sudden incoherent cries from the back of his throat which appear to have no meaning but once again appear spontaneously."

***

And from a Year 8 Geography school report: "Uncle is a real enigma! He is a keen and enthusiastic student ... excellent grasp ... knowledge is superb. However ... he can work well but only when isolated from other students (he is a menace to those around him)."

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