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Tuesday, 8 June 2010

5 tips for running a successful nightclub

"How to run a successful nightclub" by Uncle Bellend


1. No knobhead bouncers
Those suffering from "small man with a little bit of power" syndrome are invariably found in one of three jobs: traffic warden, civil servant or bouncer.  Of course, some bouncers are okay. For example, Sidney, a huge black guy on the door at Soul Tree in Cambridge, was hilarious when we deliberated over paying to get in: "it's a quid... and if you say no, I say you a cheap motherfucker". But for every Sidney out there, there are ten absolute twat-necks who just want to look hard and ruin your night - and nine of them work at Revs.
"Your hair looks wank, mate. Got ID?"

I don't know if "can you be rude to our customers?" is a box you have to tick on the application form to work at Revs, but their bouncers are universally prickish. I've heard of a guy who worked at their Leeds bar being bussed up to the Newcastle one when they were short of morons, and even out of his natural territory he was a complete and utter shit: more flying fuckup than flying picket.  Queuing to gain entry to Revs is always a tense affair as you wait your turn to be insulted:

"ID, mate... Tom, that's your name, is it? Tommy Tom Tom - well I never! That shirt looks shit on you, mate - you look like a fucking poof. Go on, get inside..."

2. Loads of Strobe
If you have strobe lights, use them. Continuously. Most people are ugly and can't dance, but everybody looks good under strobes.  You might lose a few people to epileptic attacks, but at least they'll look cool when they go down - especially if there's some sick dubstep playing, in which case they'll just look like they're dancing.

3. No racism
I've explored the issue of "toilet freshen-up guys" always being black in a previous post and nothing's changed since then. I think the time has come to diversify this role: every club needs to have an equal opportunities employment policy. Sure, not everybody can look cool when singing "fresh-en up, fresh-en up, for punani", but there's no need to be racist about it.

4. "No knitting" signs
These are essential. Jacob-Bard Rosenberg (more about him in a later post) was thrown out of Cindies* for sitting in the corner and quietly knitting a tea cosy. The Bard protested that there weren't any signs forbidding knitting; the bouncer told him "we don't need any 'no knitting' signs".

Yes, you do.

5. Air conditioning
A practical point to finish on. It's always too hot. Install more air conditioning.

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* Cindies is "Ballare", if any Cambridge town-folk are reading.

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