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Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Social Grenades: BOOM!

We posted about Bley being a social grenade a couple of months ago.

It looks like the concept has gone global...

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

5 tips for running a successful nightclub

"How to run a successful nightclub" by Uncle Bellend


1. No knobhead bouncers
Those suffering from "small man with a little bit of power" syndrome are invariably found in one of three jobs: traffic warden, civil servant or bouncer.  Of course, some bouncers are okay. For example, Sidney, a huge black guy on the door at Soul Tree in Cambridge, was hilarious when we deliberated over paying to get in: "it's a quid... and if you say no, I say you a cheap motherfucker". But for every Sidney out there, there are ten absolute twat-necks who just want to look hard and ruin your night - and nine of them work at Revs.
"Your hair looks wank, mate. Got ID?"

I don't know if "can you be rude to our customers?" is a box you have to tick on the application form to work at Revs, but their bouncers are universally prickish. I've heard of a guy who worked at their Leeds bar being bussed up to the Newcastle one when they were short of morons, and even out of his natural territory he was a complete and utter shit: more flying fuckup than flying picket.  Queuing to gain entry to Revs is always a tense affair as you wait your turn to be insulted:

"ID, mate... Tom, that's your name, is it? Tommy Tom Tom - well I never! That shirt looks shit on you, mate - you look like a fucking poof. Go on, get inside..."

2. Loads of Strobe
If you have strobe lights, use them. Continuously. Most people are ugly and can't dance, but everybody looks good under strobes.  You might lose a few people to epileptic attacks, but at least they'll look cool when they go down - especially if there's some sick dubstep playing, in which case they'll just look like they're dancing.

3. No racism
I've explored the issue of "toilet freshen-up guys" always being black in a previous post and nothing's changed since then. I think the time has come to diversify this role: every club needs to have an equal opportunities employment policy. Sure, not everybody can look cool when singing "fresh-en up, fresh-en up, for punani", but there's no need to be racist about it.

4. "No knitting" signs
These are essential. Jacob-Bard Rosenberg (more about him in a later post) was thrown out of Cindies* for sitting in the corner and quietly knitting a tea cosy. The Bard protested that there weren't any signs forbidding knitting; the bouncer told him "we don't need any 'no knitting' signs".

Yes, you do.

5. Air conditioning
A practical point to finish on. It's always too hot. Install more air conditioning.

 ---
* Cindies is "Ballare", if any Cambridge town-folk are reading.

Collective nouns for chavs

I stumbled across @CollectiveNouns on Twitter the other day. One of the words for which they were compiling entries was 'chavs', with the most popular currently being 'a sovereign of chavs'.  ZD thought of a few - a rogue of chavs, a reprobate of chavs - before settling on 'a hood of chavs' as our entry.  

We also thought of an update for an old phrase: "the haves and the have nots". This should now read "the haves and the chavs", although the 'have' must refer to something other than having money nowadays if the de rigeur designer labels and bling bling are anything to go by; perhaps it's having the ability to function properly in society without spitting everywhere, or having the sartorial sense not to wear manky trackie bottoms tucked into football socks.

Look out for more chav news in future, when we'll be discussing the many and varied 'diverse' inhabitants of Mill Road, Cambridge.

* another inspired entry on CollectiveNouns was "a wunch of bankers" - here's looking at you, E5.

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Cheryl Cole: "I want to be Cheryl.i.am"

Pictured: Cheryl Cole, Cheryl Tweedy, Cheryl.i.am or Cheryl.we.are?
Make your mind up, love.

EXCLUSIVE  The Nation's Official Sweetheart Cheryl Cole has denied rumours that she intends to revert to her maiden name of Tweedy. Speaking exclusively to ZD after her tour date in Newcastle, Cheryl remarked that "it's a pretty crap surname and just look at my family - would you want to be associated with that lot?"

She was more coy when questioned about her relationship with Black Eyed Peas star Will.i.am. "Obviously, I like black men - it's only skanky black women I have a problem with - and Will's a really close friend." Although Cheryl filed for divorce from famous footballing gay Ashley Cole earlier this month, she said it was too early to discuss marriage plans with Will.i.am: "He's helping me through a tricky time. I don't want to say any more than that. I wouldn't rule out becoming Mrs Cheryl.i.am though - or even Will and Cheryl.we.are."

Robbie Lozenge & Uncle Legend - ZD Newcastle
This article is entirely fictional and must be read in a Middle Reality context.
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