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Sunday, 6 November 2011

Fitter than Thora

Picture your average stairlift owner. Old? Blue rinse? Incontinent, but with a penchant for cats and Werther's originals?

I'm thinking Thora Hird — or perhaps Brian Potter — but if this advert is anything to go by, young pretty flamenco dancers are the key demographic for Stannah buying...

It's almost the world's first upskirt on a stairlift as well (or at least I hope it is).

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Toilet Trees

Welcome back. We've all been rather busy here at ZD Towers and can only apologise for the woeful lack of new material, but don't worry: normal service will resume soon. In the meantime, you should check out this work of art snapped by one of our reporters at the Yorkshire Sculpture Park. In fact, read the whole of the Privy Counsel while you're there. It's weird. It's wonderful. It's a bog blog.

Saturday, 25 June 2011

How I Invented Wikipedia

Jimmy Wales "founded" Wikipedia in 2001.

Not only had I invented Wikipedia by that point, I'd also developed the mobile version too. Members of the jury, I give you Exhibit A: my sketch of a portable electronic encyclopaedia from 2001. The 'ZD Knowledgeometer' came preloaded with millions of articles and could be updated by connecting to the internet, where anybody could contribute. I should be a fucking millionaire.  
If I had a time machine, I'd go back to 2001 and manufacture the Knowledgeometer. That's a stupid name though, so I'd call it the ZDpedia. Or the iPedia, which would annoy Steve Jobs. I'd make sure the first article was about Jimmy Wales and that it said "Jimmy Wales is the man who didn't found Wikipedia. What's Wikipedia? Exactly. Better luck next time, Jimbo."

The ZDpedia would also keep me out of trouble, because if anybody caught me hiding in the bushes at the bottom of their garden again, I'd be able to say "don't worry, I'm from the Internet", and that would reassure them for long enough to let me escape.

"Look, I've found his wig!"
I'd also visit 2050 to see if Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black were king and queen of the world. If they were, I'd go to the 1990s and abduct baby Bieber and baby Black. I'd then take them back to the Triassic period and feed them to a dinosaur, just to confuse the paleontologists.  

If Miley Cyrus were queen of the world, I'd be okay with that. She makes Middle Reality (MR) look cool. If I've understood her world correctly, Miley Cyrus is a real person in Upper Reality (UR) who plays Miley Stewart who plays Hannah Montana in MR. Her UR friends turn up in her MR world and there's no boundary between the realities. Similarly, I am a real person in UR, and I play the Legend who plays the Bellend in MR. It makes perfect sense.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Robinson May Ball 2011: Sabine Still At Large

He committed an unspeakable crime and we enjoy shouting his name at him.

He's the one who isn't Natalie Portman.
ZD Newcomers, meet Sabine.  You might be unfamiliar with this feral creature - in a way, we all are, given the number of pseudonyms he's used over the years - but all you need to know is that it's really, really fun to shout his name at him when he's least expecting it. And pronounce it wrong. He could be in the library, on the toilet or minding his own business in his bedroom, but he's never out of range of a  "Sorbeen!"

A sighting of Charlie Sabine at Robinson College's 2011 May Ball has led officials to believe that he may soon be captured after being sentenced to death last week. A specially convened court, consisting of Lords Spencer, Virgo and Boredom, found Sabine guilty in absentia of gross sabining, sabining without a licence, failed to stop when "Sabine!"'d, being moody, sabining in the presence of a minor and impersonating a tramp. Lord Boredom seemed fuzzy when questioned on what laws Sabine had actually broken, but he said he was certain that the death penalty they passed down was the correct verdict: "He committed an unspeakable crime and for that he must be punished. Nobody remembers what he did, but it must be bad, otherwise why would we go to such lengths to stop him?" Sabine has been on the run ever since.

Happier times: Sabine endorsing sardines. He attributed his long luscious locks to fish oils.
The trail ran cold until a glimpse of Sabine at the Ball on Friday night. An eyewitness, who has identified himself only as 'Jarney', said "I spotted somebody who looked and scowled just like him. I shouted 'Sabine' loudly at him and then stood very still - I've heard his vision is based on movement - but he disappeared into the bushes before I could grab him. In hindsight, I should have reported it but I was thinking only of my own safety at the time."

Sabine's parents, who spoke to reporters outside their home in leafy Ryecroft Close, Woodley, said that their son had been misrepresented by the press. "He isn't a criminal. He just couldn't deal with complete strangers shouting his name at him all the time," said Mrs Sabine. Her husband described how Sabine's protagonists deliberately messed with his surname to tip him over the edge. "It's sah-byne. Not SAY-byne, not sa-beenay, and definitely not sabinet blanc," he explained, before breaking down in tears. "I just want him home."

Inspector Barnes, of Robinson College Police Department, took a different view: "Nobody wants to have their name shouted at them when they're using a public toilet, especially if it makes them sound like a famous brand of malt loaf. Yes, Shuai might find it funny, and yes, a Soreen may be delicious and fruity, and full of squidgy energy, but Mr Sabine is none of those things, and he shouldn't need to be. Nevertheless, what he did - whatever it was - was completely unacceptable."

"He can't keep getting away with it," he added menacingly.






Thursday, 16 June 2011

10 Years

bbc.co.uk, June 2001.
On 16 June 2001, the interwebs changed forever. Back in those dark days of 56k dial-up modems and wires trailing across the living room, when YouTube was still four years away and the BBC site looked like this, we founded our first site and the internet entered the ZD Age.

In the intervening ten years, we've moved around a bit - geocities.com/zdlaxdsmip, /zdsystem, zduk.tk and now zduk.co.uk - but our loyal audience (all twelve of you - yes, even you at the back!) have followed us every step of the way. You have helped make us into the global powerhouse we are today:      ZD is now the 7th biggest Middle Reality site in the world.
How we used to look.

To celebrate our anniversary, we've trawled that young-whippersnapper-of-a-website YouTube and brought you three classic videos from the Archives. Enjoy...


Ronaldo v Corsa - A Cristiano Ronaldo lookalike racing a car in his CK boxer shorts: what more do you want?

Yeoh Technology - ZD's greatest achievement? This critically acclaimed reworking of Ayo Technology tells the tale of a doomed love story and a hungry Singaporean's quest for food.

The Hirst Rat - no fancy cinematography on this one; it's just cousin Dingly trying to retrieve his flip-flop ("gaming thong") from a river and failing terribly.

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

ZD's Guide to Flirting 3

Lesson 3 - Boring Flirting

At Cambridge, we used to have 'swaps', where a male drinking society from one college would invite a female drinking society from another college over for a formal dinner and sex.

Not pictured: orgy.
I was sat at the end of a long table on my first swap with a pretty girl, a girl with a nondescript face and my  friend Lord Boredom, who has a nondescript personality. I said hello to the pretty girl and then ran out of things to say. She asked me what I studied but I mistook her attempt at small talk for a genuine interest in my subject and started to tell her - at length - about my recent essay.

My story trailed off as she gazed in open-mouthed horror at my social ineptitude, and I finished with the immortal chat-up line "but Lord knows more about law than me. Talk to Lord about law." She had realised I was a no-hoper by this point, so she started to talk to Boredom about everything except law while I just got drunk by myself.

I didn't sleep with her, but Boredom had even worse chat than me (the clue's in the name) and I helped myself to her food whilst she was crying, so it worked out okay in the end.


Sunday, 12 June 2011

Lorraine is Cambridge Bedder of the Year

Robinson College bedder Lorraine has won Swiss Laundry's Housekeeper of the Year competition 2010.

Lorraine's 'patch' includes A Staircase, home to the famous Romsey Tower where a number of notable ZD members resided in 2008-09. Lorraine is awesome and this award is well deserved. Jane, Romsey Terrace bedder during ZD's time at 35 Romsey in 2007-08, came bottom of the rankings.

Lorraine pictured with her favourite Romsey Tower residents.

Bellend's Guide to Flirting 2

Lesson 2 - Introductory Flirting

I have a friend who is only interested in finding a girl that he can play war games with, to a high standard, but so that he will always just win in the end. He also has the feet of a hobbit. For these reasons, he is unlucky in love.

In Freshers' Week 2007, he decided to take advantage of the fact that he was now a second year by chatting up a fresher called Catherine. I wandered over, aiming to ruin his night, but he seemed to take my presence in his stride and began to introduce his new found ladyfriend to me:
"Wanna play footsie?"

(drunken slur) "Bellend, this is Chesca."
"No, that's your sister's name."

(visibly panicked) "Er, no, er, I meant Chloe."
"No, that's my girlfriend's name."

(desperate flailing) "Catherine! Her name's Catherine! Oh, she's gone."

He turned around to stop her, but she had walked away very quickly. He then turned back around but I too had walked off.

The next time he tried to flirt with a girl, he ended the night by vomiting over a doctor whilst sprawled over a mobility scooter in the entrance to a chapel, so perhaps his time with Catherine should be considered a relative success.

Bellend's Guide to Flirting 1

Lesson 1 - Aggressive Flirting

I was once in Life, a nightclub in Cambridge that is now called the Venue or the Place or something equally stupid, watching Tim Westwood DJ and talk about big dogs and his Uncle Snoop. I don't know how Life got such a big name DJ to play, but Westwood lives in Norfolk with his mum and it's convenient for him to get home so maybe he did it for a reduced price.

I was walking over to the toilet and noticed that two attractive girls were stood between me and the toilet door. They were looking at me and smiling, and as I got closer they moved so that I couldn't get to the toilet very easily, so I squeezed past - unsure if one of them had tried to trip me up - and went to have a wee and tell the Freshen Up Guy that I didn't need any counterfeit aftershave or urine-soaked chewing gum.

If I hit them at pace I could probably take them both out.
I left the toilet and the girls were still blocking my path. They were smiling but I couldn't work out if they were flirting or being dicks so I didn't take any chances. I sped up and dropped my shoulder so that I bodychecked one of the girls as I walked past, but as I was a successful rugby player and rather drunk I hit her harder than expected and she smashed against the wall before sliding to the floor. Her friend shouted something at me that may have been "clucking banker" but it was loud and Westwood has just dropped the bomb so I couldn't hear her properly.

I didn't sleep with either girl that night.

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Srebrenica to Shameless: Karadzic's Wife Found in Manchester


EXCLUSIVE

Ljilana Zelen-Karadzic, wife of Serbian war criminal Radovan Karadzic, has finally been tracked down to the Chatsworth Estate in Manchester. Ljilana, or Lillian as she's known to locals, had evaded authorities for many years despite frequent television appearances on Channel 4's Shameless. After the dramatic on-set raid, Ljilana told our reporter that she has not seen her husband for 11 years, and that she chose to live in inner-city Manchester as it reminded her of her home town of Sarajevo circa 1995. Ljilana is the second high profile Serb to be captured in recent weeks, following Ratko Mladic's arrest in May.

(L) Manchester brothel owner; (R) Serbian genocide wife.
Her husband, best known for orchestrating the Srebrenica massacre and for having the hair of an eagle owl, was unavailable for comment this week, possibly because he's on trial for war crimes in The Hague. Frank Gallagher said something about a "fhookin' parrrty" and then passed out.

(L) Bubo bubo; (R) Radovan badman.





Hit Your Wife, Get a Cheap DVD: Happy Father's Day!

"You didn't hit her hard enough, Dad; here, watch Rocky for some tips."    
This unfortunately placed advert was brought to you by Chris Sewell.

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Boy sells his kidney for an iPad

I've always thought that people sell their souls when they buy Apple products, but even ol'Mephistopheles himself couldn't have dreamt of a 17 year old boy selling his kidney to buy an iPad 2.
Look Faustus, this one comes with 3G!
The Chinese youth apparently received 20,000 yuan (around £1900) for his organ, which he promptly spent in the nearest Apple shop. His mother's suspicions were aroused when the idiot returned home with a bag full of shiny gadgets and a whopping great scar across his abdomen, and the police were duly informed. Personally, I'm of the opinion that if you're going to sell your body - quite literally - for a gadget, at least get something good like an Android tablet!

It's the first I've heard of consumerism actually consuming a consumer, but I suppose it illustrates the efficiency of the free market. Jokers have said that Apple should release an iDialysis app, or that the kid should've waited for an iPad 3, but he's still got another kidney to sell - and a couple of livers in case he fancies an iPhone 5. Oh, wait.

Not pictured: a good deal.

 What would you sell? Your kidney for a Kindle? A toe for a Nokia 3310? Or your mother for the HTC Desire? Comments below, people.

Monday, 30 May 2011

Diddy needs to pee

Between changing his name (he's "SWAG" this week, apparently) and advertising Ciroc Vodka (sample tweet: If you in the club and they aint Got no Ciroc! You in the wrong club! Run for the EXiT!!! Ruuuunnnnnn!!!!), the artist formerly known as Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy sometimes needs the toilet. Nothing wrong with that; but did you know he sometimes chooses to queue? With us normal folk?! OMG.

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Why does Gary Busey look so weird?

Gary Busey is an American actor who appeared in Walker, Texas Ranger (with Chuck Norris!), Law & Order and Entourage. He received an Academy Award nomination for Best Actor in 1978 for his role in The Buddy Holly Story.

He has also eaten his own face.

Gary Busey's teeth are larger than his head. How is this possible? At some point in the past, he must have started to eat himself from the inside out. He has now eaten all of the muscle and tissue inside his own head and all that's left is skin and a giant set of teeth on the outside of his body. Somebody needs to stop this man before he eats us all.

(See the comments below for the real reason why Gary Busey looks so weird...)

Gary Busey ...
... has already eaten himself ...
... and will eat us all ...
... if these riot police* don't stop him first.

*they're actually firemen, but don't let that ruin a good story.

facesitting Inc.

We'll sit on your face(book). For a fee.

ZD's entry in Cracked's
"Awful Inventions We'll Probably See This Decade" competition.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

When Obama met Jedward

Twitter, by its very nature, is ephemeral. Tweets hang around for a day or two and then disappear into the ether. More information is created now than at any time in history, and yet there are fears that we may be living in a digital dark age and that no record will be left of our time on Earth.

Well, not today. Some things should never be forgotten. Humanity hinges on epoch-defining moments - the start of the First World War, the Moon Landing, 9/11 - and to that list can now be added Barack Obama meeting Jedward, and them (it?) tweeting about it. @PlanetJedward's tweets are below, and they brilliantly expose how deep the Jedward has descended into Middle Reality; it's in its own little world!

The Leader of the Free World is baffled by the "Irish High Kings of Irritation".

They look like identical aliens, they spell his name "Barrack", and they're probably the only people who've ever met Barack Obama and then gone on Youtube to do a "jepic" impersonation of him; you'd imagine that the Secret Service filter those sort of people out long before they get to meet the Chief.

Anyway, without further ado, here is the...

Jedobama Twitter Archive

"this time he was Real and he moved"
"going to the white house to meet her daughters"
"Jed we can"

Amazing.


Sunday, 22 May 2011

Les Mis II

EXCLUSIVE

Victor Hugo died 126 years ago today. Esteemed in his native France for his poetry, he is better known to the rest of the world as the author of Les Miserables and Notre-Dame de Paris (The Hunchback of Notre-Dame). Less well known is the fact that, shortly before his death, he began work on a sequel to Les Miserables which lay forgotten until the unfinished manuscript was discovered in a Whitwellshire attic in February 2006.*

ZD can today exclusively reveal a preview of the forthcoming musical adaptation of this work, Les Miserables II: the Revenge of Valjean, which includes an excerpt from one of the principal songs, "I Can See Valjean Through the Window", and a tantalising glimpse of the pivotal battle between Valjean and his nemesis, Javert.



* Les Mis II is not to be confused with the non-canon sequel Cosette, Or The Time of Illusions.

© ZD 2006.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Naboo of Nazareth


At office parties, people like to photocopy their backsides. 

If you're going to photocopy your face, make sure you're the first in the queue.

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Is Obama a Horcrux?

It is now well known that Osama bin Laden split his soul into seven horcruxes, the first six of which are generally accepted to be those listed below. All of these have been destroyed by coalition forces, with our very own ZD troops responsible for blowing up the fourth in the caves of Tora Bora in 2007.

1. Richard Reid's shoe
3. Bin Laden's first video camera
4. Helga al-Hufflepuff's cup
5. The diary bin Laden kept as a young insurgent during his first bombing on the Gold Mihor Hotel
6. The wedding ring of the US Ambassador present at the 1998 United States Embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania
7. ???

Controversy remains, however, over the identity of the one remaining sliver of bin Laden's soul, as this report from the Uncyclopedia explains.

3 May 2011
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan -- As the United States of America braces itself for a new age in terrorism following the death of Osama bin Laden, concerns have grown over just how dead bin Laden truly is. The lack of public photographical evidence and the burial of the body in international waters have only spurred mild-mannered, level-headed conspiracy theorists to question the reliability of the American government's reports. 

Accordingly, potential 2012 GOP contender Donald Trump called for greater transparency and disclosure from the Obama Administration regarding bin Laden's ultimate fate. 

"We have reliable sources reassuring the American people that Osama's body has been shot, killed, and disgraced in every way humanly imaginable"," Trump said. "What we do not know, however, is the current location of the remaining fragment of his soul. The good, fair, and unquestionably attractive people of this great nation deserve to know what, or who, is Osama's last Horcrux."
 
Trump was referring to the famous counter-terrorism breakthrough in the summer of 2006 that revealed that bin Laden had used dark and powerful Muslim magic to split his soul and place a piece of himself into an object following his most prominent terrorist attacks. Bin Laden would have been able to use these Horcruxes to revive himself from the dead, effectively granting the infamous terrorist immortality. 

American intelligence revealed nearly five years ago that bin Laden is expected to have produced seven Horcruxes, a number considered to carry additional magical properties within the Muslim occult. To date, the CIA has located and destroyed six of the Horcruxes, including the diary bin Laden kept as a young insurgent during his first bombing on the Gold Mihor Hotel and the wedding ring of the US Ambassador present in the 1998 United States Embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania. 

The identity, let alone the location, of the final Horcrux remains elusive to American intelligence. It is almost universally agreed upon that the seventh Horcrux would have been made following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, but the CIA continues its search for the last remaining piece of Osama's living soul without a single reliable lead. 

Trump, however, alongside members of the fringe right-wing "'Cruxer" movement suspect that the current Commander-in-Chief, President Barack Obama, is the last Horcrux. 

Concerns over Obama's status as a Horcrux date back to the earliest stages of his political career...
"Since the 2008 presidential campaign, the pressure has been placed on Obama to prove that he is not a Horcrux," said Trump. "Where was Obama on September 11th? What definitive proof is there that he is not Osama's seventh Horcrux? This is the issue on the minds of every true American. After all, a Horcrux cannot be president."
 
While the language of Article II of the American Constitution does not specifically reference the case of a Horcrux president, it does clearly state that the president must be a natural-born American citizen. Since part of bin Laden's soul would be infused with Obama's if he was a Horcrux, most Constitutional scholars agree that Obama would not fully qualify as an American citizen. 

The White House refused to respond to Trump's recent statements, although Obama has repeatedly reiterated that he is not, and has never been, a Horcrux for a prominent Jihadist

Releasing an official statement early Tuesday morning, the Obama Administration did indicate that they now believe that bin Laden made his pet snake, Ayman al-Zawahiri, his seventh Horcrux. In the statement, Obama assured the nation that he was fully committed to tracking down the last remnants of bin Laden's magically fractured soul and that the "lightning bolt-shaped scar across [his] forehead would not cease throbbing until America and her allies are safe and the mission is accomplished."

Geoff Evans of Stanfree

Geoff Evans is somewhat of a local celebrity in Whitwellshire, where he can often be seen cycling around the countryside. His letters to the Worksop Guardian have become infamous over the years for their strange syntax and esoteric subject matter, and they now been collated and published on the Hub. He also looks like Bodger from 'Bodger and Badger'. Read, enjoy, and click 'Like'!

Many of his earlier letters are missing from the Archives, so if you have any older material please send it to zd [at] zduk [dot] co [dot] uk.

I'll leave you with one of his finest letters, dating from 2005 or 2006, in which Geoff defies the cycling ban, admires black pheasants, disputes that they actually are black, compares them to Notts County FC and then ends on an unrelated note about cycling. This is why I love the man.






Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Lesbian Bed Death

You say tired,
I say headache.
The vibrator won't venture out of the bottom drawer.
Mustering a kiss is torture,
and your clitoris is untouched.
Let's just be friends.


Lesbian Bed Death by Nancankerous.

 

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Alexis Jordan : having her cake and eating it...

Alexis Jordan, Good Girl. Catchy song, fit video. But what are these lyrics?

I like tight jeans, dark shades,
When I walk the ground shakes (boom)
Like an 808 (boom)
You appreciate my lean
Body nice shape,
Wanna take me on a date (move)
You've got what it takes (move)
You better have some cake. 

You better have some cake. To those in the know (who get down low and call shorty a ho), cake is drugs or money. Or her ass. But to the uninitiated honky, this is rhyming for the sake of it, and it doesn't even make sense: either he's got what it takes and he can take her on a date, in which case cake would just ruin his appetite; or she's questioning if he has got what it takes, and is telling him to to tuck into a slice of lemon drizzle whilst she thinks it through, but how is cake going to help? It'll make him fat and sticky, and girls with 'lean body nice shape' don't generally go for fat sticky cake-fiends. Unless she's lying about her body, and 'when I walk the ground shakes (boom)' just means that she's a leviathan gorging herself and this guy might as well tuck in as well. Shit lyrics, shit advice, Alexis, you fat bastard.


[PICTURE REMOVED]



Sunday, 8 May 2011

BOREDOM

Ode to Boredom

Boredom, you say? Beats me...

Oh ... him?

Remember how he used to skulk to the library on Saturdays and

Every minute he got he worked?

Duncan went to his room once, only to forget him instantly.

Only ever saw him with Nitish and Pheaves, or

Maybe that was Carl Jones.

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Moral Compass

I used to have a friend whose hobbies included mocking those who couldn't afford good clothes and tormenting a girl with a speech impediment. He also shot a swan.

He is now a policeman. His hard work has clearly paid off.

Monday, 2 May 2011

Compare the meercrap

Compare the Meerkat...
... with the Sheer Tat.

Compare the Market, Compare the Meerkat.

Nuclear Dawn

Funny article from David Mitchell on the naming of the nuclear security programme (December 2010).

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

MTV success for Context MC

BBC article on Context MC's 'Off With Their Heads' being snapped up by MTV.

BNOCh Powell

Absolute Lad.

Bnoch Powell, Rivers of Beer - 20 April 1968.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Great proofreading, Xxxfirstname

The Independent, xxxdaymonthyear.

4chan, law and epilepsy

Sometimes, you've got to love 4chan. Sometimes, such as when they turn a site for epilepsy sufferers into a flashing strobe gif,  not so much (but the idea's still pretty funny).

"the /b/ board on 4chan is renowned for having a soft spot for cats. It hates and derides everything else, but it will pursue cat abusers to the ends of the earth."

More info on 4chan/Anonymous.

Monday, 25 April 2011

Brad Pitt and time travel

Brad Pitt is currently working on 28 films. 28 full-length, women-wet-in-the-cinema feature films. I'm a busy guy, but even my to-do list has only 20 items on it and six of them just say "make a video about Dingly".  Brad Pitt working on 28 films is interesting in its own right, and is in fact the third most interesting thing I learnt yesterday (after "horses can't vomit" and "Ewan McGregor considered injecting himself with heroin to better understand his role in Trainspotting"), but it also explains a major part of Pitt's acting career: he's always eating in films because it's the only fucking chance he gets. 

His work schedule is even more astonishing when you consider his home life: between being married to crazy sexcase Angelina Jolie and raising their horde of ethnically challenged children, his life must be a whirlwind of fragging and adoption papers, so how does he fit it all in?

Time travel, that's how. It's the only answer that makes sense. Brad Pitt has the ability to manipulate time and relive each day, cramming in those extra hours like a voracious Phil Connors or Hermione Granger. Those aren't special effects in Meet Joe Black and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, it's just Pitt chronoshifting when the director needs him to age differently. It even answers the theories surrounding Twelve Monkeys: Bruce Willis actually was travelling through time, helped by Jeffrey Goines played, of course, by Brad Pitt. As if that wasn't proof enough, he was even meant to play Henry DeTamble in the Time Traveler's Wife, with Jennifer Aniston playing Clare Abshire, but then along came Jolie and her lips and Aniston was doomed to a life of singledom and being the best thing in crappy movies. 

I'm so stunned by the success of my own theory that I don't really know how to finish this article, but I'll leave you with one thought: nobody knows where Troy was filmed. Could it have been during the Trojan War itself? I wouldn't rule it out.


Sunday, 24 April 2011

Saturday, 23 April 2011

Sexual content, followed by weather.

Newsnight's getting horny in its old age.
                                           (Picture courtesy of Kathryn Watson on the Hub).

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Sugarhands fail

Sugarhands fail.

2 a.m., Cambridge Travelodge. Sugarhands fancies some TeamTeasers, overpriced at £1.80. The Legend leaves the bag hanging in the slot, the Sugarhand yanks the bag out too quickly and his precious sugar goes everywhere. An ethnically challenged child then came and stole the floor-food.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Cambridge tripos exam instructions: heavy stuff

IRRELEVANCE WILL BE PENALISED. 
EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE!

Monday, 3 January 2011

Simon Katich's face

The saddest moment of the Ashes was when I learnt Simon Katich was injured and would play no further part in the series (the happiest moment has been most of the series, so far). He never looks pretty, and he scuttles back and forth along the crease like a crab, but I absolutely love watching him bat.

Anguish personified.
It's his face. I just love his face. Some batsman showboat and dazzle, others get their head down and stick around, but watching Katich at the wicket is something else. He's tenacious. He's tough. He's the loneliest man in the world. It's entrancing to watch; you realise you're witnessing inner turmoil live on television, that you're watching a man stand in the middle of a field while another man throws a small hard ball at him and that he's dying inside. He's an opening batsman, so you know he's going to be tough, but I've never seen such a lone wolf: he's looks like a condemned man, a prisoner on the run, with the three day stubble and long dead stare of a man who can hear the bloodhounds howling in the distance. He's determined, he's gritty, and he even throttled Michael Clarke over a song. I once saw an interview where he smiled, but I immediately banished it from my memory – it was like hearing an old lady say “Dr Shipman was always alright with me” and starting to think differently of him. Simon does not smile. Simon says... nothing, but behind the eyes he's pleading for his life.

 



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