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Monday, 25 April 2011

Brad Pitt and time travel

Brad Pitt is currently working on 28 films. 28 full-length, women-wet-in-the-cinema feature films. I'm a busy guy, but even my to-do list has only 20 items on it and six of them just say "make a video about Dingly".  Brad Pitt working on 28 films is interesting in its own right, and is in fact the third most interesting thing I learnt yesterday (after "horses can't vomit" and "Ewan McGregor considered injecting himself with heroin to better understand his role in Trainspotting"), but it also explains a major part of Pitt's acting career: he's always eating in films because it's the only fucking chance he gets. 

His work schedule is even more astonishing when you consider his home life: between being married to crazy sexcase Angelina Jolie and raising their horde of ethnically challenged children, his life must be a whirlwind of fragging and adoption papers, so how does he fit it all in?

Time travel, that's how. It's the only answer that makes sense. Brad Pitt has the ability to manipulate time and relive each day, cramming in those extra hours like a voracious Phil Connors or Hermione Granger. Those aren't special effects in Meet Joe Black and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, it's just Pitt chronoshifting when the director needs him to age differently. It even answers the theories surrounding Twelve Monkeys: Bruce Willis actually was travelling through time, helped by Jeffrey Goines played, of course, by Brad Pitt. As if that wasn't proof enough, he was even meant to play Henry DeTamble in the Time Traveler's Wife, with Jennifer Aniston playing Clare Abshire, but then along came Jolie and her lips and Aniston was doomed to a life of singledom and being the best thing in crappy movies. 

I'm so stunned by the success of my own theory that I don't really know how to finish this article, but I'll leave you with one thought: nobody knows where Troy was filmed. Could it have been during the Trojan War itself? I wouldn't rule it out.


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