Bellend's Guide to Flirting 1

Lesson 1 - Aggressive Flirting

I was once in Life, a nightclub in Cambridge that is now called the Venue or the Place or something equally stupid, watching Tim Westwood DJ and talk about big dogs and his Uncle Snoop. I don't know how Life got such a big name DJ to play but Westwood lives in Norfolk with his mum and it's not very far home so maybe he did it for a reduced price.

I was walking over to the toilet and noticed that two attractive girls were stood between me and the toilet door. They were looking at me and smiling, and as I got closer they moved so that I couldn't get to the toilet very easily, so I squeezed past - unsure if one of them had tried to trip me up - and went to have a wee and tell the Freshen Up Guy that I didn't need any counterfeit aftershave or urine-soaked chewing gum.

If I hit them at pace I could probably take them both out.

I left the toilet and the girls were still blocking my path. They were smiling but I couldn't work out if they were flirting or being dicks so I didn't take any chances. I sped up and dropped my shoulder so that I bodychecked one of the girls as I walked past, but as I was a successful rugby player and rather drunk I hit her harder than expected and she smashed against the wall before sliding to the floor. Her friend shouted something at me that may have been "clucking banker" but it was loud and Westwood has just dropped the bomb so I couldn't hear her properly.

I didn't sleep with either girl that night.