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Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Robinson May Ball 2011: Sabine Still At Large

He committed an unspeakable crime and we enjoy shouting his name at him.

He's the one who isn't Natalie Portman.
ZD Newcomers, meet Sabine.  You might be unfamiliar with this feral creature - in a way, we all are, given the number of pseudonyms he's used over the years - but all you need to know is that it's really, really fun to shout his name at him when he's least expecting it. And pronounce it wrong. He could be in the library, on the toilet or minding his own business in his bedroom, but he's never out of range of a  "Sorbeen!"

A sighting of Charlie Sabine at Robinson College's 2011 May Ball has led officials to believe that he may soon be captured after being sentenced to death last week. A specially convened court, consisting of Lords Spencer, Virgo and Boredom, found Sabine guilty in absentia of gross sabining, sabining without a licence, failed to stop when "Sabine!"'d, being moody, sabining in the presence of a minor and impersonating a tramp. Lord Boredom seemed fuzzy when questioned on what laws Sabine had actually broken, but he said he was certain that the death penalty they passed down was the correct verdict: "He committed an unspeakable crime and for that he must be punished. Nobody remembers what he did, but it must be bad, otherwise why would we go to such lengths to stop him?" Sabine has been on the run ever since.

Happier times: Sabine endorsing sardines. He attributed his long luscious locks to fish oils.
The trail ran cold until a glimpse of Sabine at the Ball on Friday night. An eyewitness, who has identified himself only as 'Jarney', said "I spotted somebody who looked and scowled just like him. I shouted 'Sabine' loudly at him and then stood very still - I've heard his vision is based on movement - but he disappeared into the bushes before I could grab him. In hindsight, I should have reported it but I was thinking only of my own safety at the time."

Sabine's parents, who spoke to reporters outside their home in leafy Ryecroft Close, Woodley, said that their son had been misrepresented by the press. "He isn't a criminal. He just couldn't deal with complete strangers shouting his name at him all the time," said Mrs Sabine. Her husband described how Sabine's protagonists deliberately messed with his surname to tip him over the edge. "It's sah-byne. Not SAY-byne, not sa-beenay, and definitely not sabinet blanc," he explained, before breaking down in tears. "I just want him home."

Inspector Barnes, of Robinson College Police Department, took a different view: "Nobody wants to have their name shouted at them when they're using a public toilet, especially if it makes them sound like a famous brand of malt loaf. Yes, Shuai might find it funny, and yes, a Soreen may be delicious and fruity, and full of squidgy energy, but Mr Sabine is none of those things, and he shouldn't need to be. Nevertheless, what he did - whatever it was - was completely unacceptable."

"He can't keep getting away with it," he added menacingly.






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