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* coming 2012 - possibly.



Monday, 30 May 2011

Diddy needs to pee

Between changing his name (he's "SWAG" this week, apparently) and advertising Ciroc Vodka (sample tweet: If you in the club and they aint Got no Ciroc! You in the wrong club! Run for the EXiT!!! Ruuuunnnnnn!!!!), the artist formerly known as Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy sometimes needs the toilet. Nothing wrong with that; but did you know he sometimes chooses to queue? With us normal folk?! OMG.

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Why does Gary Busey look so weird?

Gary Busey is an American actor who appeared in Walker, Texas Ranger (with Chuck Norris!), Law & Order and Entourage. He received an Academy Award nomination for Best Actor in 1978 for his role in The Buddy Holly Story.

He has also eaten his own face.

Gary Busey's teeth are larger than his head. How is this possible? At some point in the past, he must have started to eat himself from the inside out. He has now eaten all of the muscle and tissue inside his own head and all that's left is skin and a giant set of teeth on the outside of his body. Somebody needs to stop this man before he eats us all.

Gary Busey ...
... has already eaten himself ...
... and will eat us all ...
... if these riot police* don't stop him first.

*they're actually firemen, but don't let that ruin a good story.

facesitting Inc.

We'll sit on your face(book). For a fee.

ZD's entry in Cracked's
"Awful Inventions We'll Probably See This Decade" competition.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

When Obama met Jedward

Twitter, by its very nature, is ephemeral. Tweets hang around for a day or two and then disappear into the ether. More information is created now than at any time in history, and yet there are fears that we may be living in a digital dark age and that no record will be left of our time on Earth.

Well, not today. Some things should never be forgotten. Humanity hinges on epoch-defining moments - the start of the First World War, the Moon Landing, 9/11 - and to that list can now be added Barack Obama meeting Jedward, and them (it?) tweeting about it. @PlanetJedward's tweets are below, and they brilliantly expose how deep the Jedward has descended into Middle Reality; it's in its own little world!

The Leader of the Free World is baffled by the "Irish High Kings of Irritation".

They look like identical aliens, they spell his name "Barrack", and they're probably the only people who've ever met Barack Obama and then gone on Youtube to do a "jepic" impersonation of him; you'd imagine that the Secret Service filter those sort of people out long before they get to meet the Chief.

Anyway, without further ado, here is the...

Jedobama Twitter Archive

"this time he was Real and he moved"
"going to the white house to meet her daughters"
"Jed we can"

Amazing.


Sunday, 22 May 2011

Les Mis II

EXCLUSIVE

Victor Hugo died 126 years ago today. Esteemed in his native France for his poetry, he is better known to the rest of the world as the author of Les Miserables and Notre-Dame de Paris (The Hunchback of Notre-Dame). Less well known is the fact that, shortly before his death, he began work on a sequel to Les Miserables which lay forgotten until the unfinished manuscript was discovered in a Whitwellshire attic in February 2006.*

ZD can today exclusively reveal a preview of the forthcoming musical adaptation of this work, Les Miserables II: the Revenge of Valjean, which includes an excerpt from one of the principal songs, "I Can See Valjean Through the Window", and a tantalising glimpse of the pivotal battle between Valjean and his nemesis, Javert.



* Les Mis II is not to be confused with the non-canon sequel Cosette, Or The Time of Illusions.

© ZD 2006.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Naboo of Nazareth


At office parties, people like to photocopy their backsides. 

If you're going to photocopy your face, make sure you're the first in the queue.

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Is Obama a Horcrux?

It is now well known that Osama bin Laden split his soul into seven horcruxes, the first six of which are generally accepted to be those listed below. All of these have been destroyed by coalition forces, with our very own ZD troops responsible for blowing up the fourth in the caves of Tora Bora in 2007.

1. Richard Reid's shoe
3. Bin Laden's first video camera
4. Helga al-Hufflepuff's cup
5. The diary bin Laden kept as a young insurgent during his first bombing on the Gold Mihor Hotel
6. The wedding ring of the US Ambassador present at the 1998 United States Embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania
7. ???

Controversy remains, however, over the identity of the one remaining sliver of bin Laden's soul, as this report from the Uncyclopedia explains.

3 May 2011
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan -- As the United States of America braces itself for a new age in terrorism following the death of Osama bin Laden, concerns have grown over just how dead bin Laden truly is. The lack of public photographical evidence and the burial of the body in international waters have only spurred mild-mannered, level-headed conspiracy theorists to question the reliability of the American government's reports. 

Accordingly, potential 2012 GOP contender Donald Trump called for greater transparency and disclosure from the Obama Administration regarding bin Laden's ultimate fate. 

"We have reliable sources reassuring the American people that Osama's body has been shot, killed, and disgraced in every way humanly imaginable"," Trump said. "What we do not know, however, is the current location of the remaining fragment of his soul. The good, fair, and unquestionably attractive people of this great nation deserve to know what, or who, is Osama's last Horcrux."
 
Trump was referring to the famous counter-terrorism breakthrough in the summer of 2006 that revealed that bin Laden had used dark and powerful Muslim magic to split his soul and place a piece of himself into an object following his most prominent terrorist attacks. Bin Laden would have been able to use these Horcruxes to revive himself from the dead, effectively granting the infamous terrorist immortality. 

American intelligence revealed nearly five years ago that bin Laden is expected to have produced seven Horcruxes, a number considered to carry additional magical properties within the Muslim occult. To date, the CIA has located and destroyed six of the Horcruxes, including the diary bin Laden kept as a young insurgent during his first bombing on the Gold Mihor Hotel and the wedding ring of the US Ambassador present in the 1998 United States Embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania. 

The identity, let alone the location, of the final Horcrux remains elusive to American intelligence. It is almost universally agreed upon that the seventh Horcrux would have been made following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, but the CIA continues its search for the last remaining piece of Osama's living soul without a single reliable lead. 

Trump, however, alongside members of the fringe right-wing "'Cruxer" movement suspect that the current Commander-in-Chief, President Barack Obama, is the last Horcrux. 

Concerns over Obama's status as a Horcrux date back to the earliest stages of his political career...
"Since the 2008 presidential campaign, the pressure has been placed on Obama to prove that he is not a Horcrux," said Trump. "Where was Obama on September 11th? What definitive proof is there that he is not Osama's seventh Horcrux? This is the issue on the minds of every true American. After all, a Horcrux cannot be president."
 
While the language of Article II of the American Constitution does not specifically reference the case of a Horcrux president, it does clearly state that the president must be a natural-born American citizen. Since part of bin Laden's soul would be infused with Obama's if he was a Horcrux, most Constitutional scholars agree that Obama would not fully qualify as an American citizen. 

The White House refused to respond to Trump's recent statements, although Obama has repeatedly reiterated that he is not, and has never been, a Horcrux for a prominent Jihadist

Releasing an official statement early Tuesday morning, the Obama Administration did indicate that they now believe that bin Laden made his pet snake, Ayman al-Zawahiri, his seventh Horcrux. In the statement, Obama assured the nation that he was fully committed to tracking down the last remnants of bin Laden's magically fractured soul and that the "lightning bolt-shaped scar across [his] forehead would not cease throbbing until America and her allies are safe and the mission is accomplished."

Geoff Evans of Stanfree

Geoff Evans is somewhat of a local celebrity in Whitwellshire, where he can often be seen cycling around the countryside. His letters to the Worksop Guardian have become infamous over the years for their strange syntax and esoteric subject matter, and they now been collated and published on the Hub. He also looks like Bodger from 'Bodger and Badger'. Read, enjoy, and click 'Like'!

Many of his earlier letters are missing from the Archives, so if you have any older material please send it to zd [at] zduk [dot] co [dot] uk.

I'll leave you with one of his finest letters, dating from 2005 or 2006, in which Geoff defies the cycling ban, admires black pheasants, disputes that they actually are black, compares them to Notts County FC and then ends on an unrelated note about cycling. This is why I love the man.






Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Lesbian Bed Death

You say tired,
I say headache.
The vibrator won't venture out of the bottom drawer.
Mustering a kiss is torture,
and your clitoris is untouched.
Let's just be friends.


Lesbian Bed Death by Nancankerous.

 

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Alexis Jordan : having her cake and eating it...

Alexis Jordan, Good Girl. Catchy song, fit video. But what are these lyrics?

I like tight jeans, dark shades,
When I walk the ground shakes (boom)
Like an 808 (boom)
You appreciate my lean
Body nice shape,
Wanna take me on a date (move)
You've got what it takes (move)
You better have some cake. 

You better have some cake. To those in the know (who get down low and call shorty a ho), cake is drugs or money. Or her ass. But to the uninitiated honky, this is rhyming for the sake of it, and it doesn't even make sense: either he's got what it takes and he can take her on a date, in which case cake would just ruin his appetite; or she's questioning if he has got what it takes, and is telling him to to tuck into a slice of lemon drizzle whilst she thinks it through, but how is cake going to help? It'll make him fat and sticky, and girls with 'lean body nice shape' don't generally go for fat sticky cake-fiends. Unless she's lying about her body, and 'when I walk the ground shakes (boom)' just means that she's a leviathan gorging herself and this guy might as well tuck in as well. Shit lyrics, shit advice, Alexis, you fat bastard.

Boom.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

BOREDOM

Ode to Boredom

Boredom, you say? Beats me...

Oh ... him?

Remember how he used to skulk to the library on Saturdays and

Every minute he got he worked?

Duncan went to his room once, only to forget him instantly.

Only ever saw him with Nitish and Pheaves, or

Maybe that was Carl Jones.

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Moral Compass

I used to have a friend whose hobbies included mocking those who couldn't afford good clothes and tormenting a girl with a speech impediment. He also shot a swan.

He is now a policeman. His hard work has clearly paid off.

Monday, 2 May 2011

Compare the meercrap

Compare the Meerkat...
... with the Sheer Tat.

Compare the Market, Compare the Meerkat.

Nuclear Dawn

Funny article from David Mitchell on the naming of the nuclear security programme (December 2010).
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