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Sunday, 30 December 2012

Geoff Evans: My Wish List for 2013

Another classic from Geoff - a few sensible suggestions, which quickly give way to stabilising wheelie bins and pleasing the Lord.

My Wish List for 2013
Here is a list of my wishes for the New Year.

Out authorities adhere to the basic commandment in the good book - To treat others as you would have them treat you!

That every village and town is given equal attention regarding routine maintenance and services.

That people stop 'looking' important and be important (in the eyes of the lord).

That areas of green space are protected from unsightly developments and blots on the landscape taking away national habitats in the process.

That wheelie bins are made stable in their design, have pockets in them for information leaflets regarding alterations in collections etc, and so that litter is not scattered everywhere as present.

That motorists refrain from parking on pavements preventing mothers with small children and elderly people from using their 'refuge' from speeding traffic etc.

GEOFF EVANS
East Avenue, Stanfree

Worksop Guardian, 21 December 2012.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Geoff Evans: Turnout was impressive

Turnout was impressive


How impressed I was by the excellent attendances at this year's Remembrance Sunday ceremonies throughout the region.


In Clowne for example, there were people of all ages including families with small children who behaved impeccably! However, what warmed my soul most of all was the excellent sound system that Clowne Parish Council had used to enable everyone attending to hear every word that was being said the those [sic] conducting the service. Those poignant words 'They gave their today for our tomorrow' rang out deep and true.

Another aspect of Clowne's first class order of service was when the service men and women laid their wreaths before the civic dignitaries. Indeed the local churches laid their own wreaths after the service personnel and before our local council members. Well done to those who decided to alter the agenda in this small but symbolic way.

But for me, the one thing that was missing from the service was the reading out of the names of the fallen. Surely just for a second or two it would not hurt to include this and they used to in times gone by. Another little thing missing for me was the stone plaque that used to lie in the wall close to the wall memorial and simply read: Clown (without the 'e'). Yes, during both the Great War and the Second World War, Clowne had a members-owned Cooperative Society. How sad that nowadays it's all about profits for the already fat cats and not for the benefits of the local people.

GEOFF EVANS
East Avenue, Stanfree


Worksop Guardian, 16 November 2012.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Overheard outside the Job Centre today...


"Do you know what they want me to do, right? They want me to go and get a meal with all the scrubbers in the Crypt." 

This from a woman with very few teeth, sat on a bin, smoking, in an ill-fitting tracksuit (grop hanging out) with a Croydon facelift. God forbid she'll have to go and eat with "the scrubbers"...



This, only a woman...

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Chinese Olympic Swimmer Denies Tachyon Doping Claims

Chinese officials have denied bending space-time after one of their swimmers apparently swam faster than the speed of light.

Ye Shiwen, 16, swam the 400m medley in an astonishing 1.75 microseconds, beating the previous world record of 4:29.45 by 4:29.44999825 minutes. Commentators have expressed doubt that this could be achieved without meddling with the fabric of reality itself.

Success is relativ(istic).
Once she had reached warp speed, Shiwen was invisible to the umpires until after she had finished, at which point she took on a hazy, 'blue-shifted' look and appeared in an empty pool. The other competitors have not been found, and it is feared that Shiwen's momentarily infinite mass may have displaced them into another dimension.

What a new PB looks like.

Mysteriously, a Chinese official denied the doping claims before the race had even started, and then looked confused, asked what day it was and fainted. Colleagues rushed him into what appeared to be a police phonebox, which promptly disappeared. The Chinese have also refused to comment on why three particle physicists were found in their physio room.

IOC officials are investigating claims that exotic particles have been found in the Olympic village after a CERN onlooker reported a "neutrino-y" smell emanating from the Chinese camp, but this could have just been the aroma of a particularly strong Sichuan hot-pot.

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

20,000 visitors

Whoever visited zduk.co.uk at 1402 today, congratulations: you were our 20,000th visitor. Your prize? An intimate massage from Dingly. With candles. And oil. And feet.

I'll start on your back...

Saturday, 28 July 2012

The 2012 Olympics Opening Ceremony: What Should Have Happened

It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Five were given to Jacques Rogge, Belgian, bureaucrat, President of the IOC. Three to Kenneth Branagh, thespian and leader of the Dancing Brunels. And seven, seven rings were gifted to the Chosen Ones, the Unknown Children of Redgrave. But they were, all of them, deceived...


From its idyllic opening amidst the fields of the Shire, to the belching chimneys and forges of Isengard,  last night's celebration of The Lord of the Ringswas mesmerising. Apart from when the Dark Lord McCartney closed proceedings. Again. With a singalong of Hey Jude. Again. That part was boring.

"There will be no dawn for Men."


There were lots of "wow" moments: the Queen - the actual Queen - parachuting in with James Bond, Mr Bean playing with the London Philharmonic Orchestra, and the dancing girl losing her phone but  then finding it (phew). But of course, the greatest surprise was saved until last: who was going to light the Olympic cauldron? Roger Bannister? Daley Thompson? Dane Bowers?

What actually happened was spectacular. From the moment that Lord Coe pulled down his trousers to reveal his running shorts underneath, we knew we were in for something special. Steve Redgrave lit the torch by striking a match on Bradley Wiggins's sideburn, starting a 1500m race between Coe and Ovett to see who could reach them first. The victorious Coe then handed the blazing torch to Daley Thompson who javelined it across the stadium, impaling Ashley Cole who had gamely dressed as a choc ice for the occasion. As Cole melted, Boris Johnson pulled the torch free and ignited Tanni-Grey Thompson with it, as she catapulted out of a Minas Tirith trebuchet across the stadium, wheelchair ablaze, before landing in the cauldron to officially open the Games of the XXX Olympiad.

What a sequence!

Shami Chakrabarti. "We salute her integrity." Do we f*ck.

Inspired by a post on Roll on Friday's discussion boards.


Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Where is the North Pole?

I love maps. I'll pore over atlases like a cartophile at Christmas, and I could draw an accurate world map - with nearly all the countries correctly labelled - when I was in infant school. Give me a quiz on hardcore geography™ and I'm practically unbeatable.*

So, it came as quite a shock when I discovered that the North Pole is not where I thought it was. It's not even close to where I thought it was.

Take a world map. The one pictured below is the Winkel triple projection, a low-error method of showing the Earth on a flat surface. To turn this into a globe, you'd have to wrap it around a ball until all the edges met. It's impossible to do this perfectly. All maps, no matter how accurate, stretch and distort the true layout of our planet.


If you take Antarctica (that's the big long white thing at the bottom of the map above, in case any Americans are reading) and wrap it around a ball, it joins back on itself to form an enormous landmass around the South Pole.

Like so.


Enter Greenland. For nearly twenty years, I'd assumed that the same thing happened at the top of the map. I knew that the North Pole wasn't on land - the US Navy plonked a nuclear submarine under it in 1958 - but I'd always thought that Greenland, as shown on maps, depicted all of the land and permanent ice at the top of the world.  Granted, you can see Greenland in its entirety on most maps, unlike Antartica which only just creeps onto the bottom. This would suggest that Greenland isn't  at  the very 'top' of the Earth. However, I haven't looked at a globe in years and, when looking at maps, I've always just put this down to a northocentric bias 'tilting' the top of the map towards us, just as the Mercator projection makes Africa and South America look too small relative to the northern continents. Wrap the map around a ball and, just like Antarctica, I thought that Greenland would surround the North Pole. Therefore, the North Pole must be in Greenland, right?
An Azimuthal projection showing the North Pole. Nowhere near Greenland.
Incorrect! The map above shows the North Pole smack bang in the middle of the Arctic Ocean. The dark blue waters surrounding it are almost permanently covered with constantly shifting sea ice (this explains the lack of a research station at the North Pole). But just look at Greenland skulking off to the bottom of the map - it's nowhere near the Pole! In fact, there's no land whatsoever within 400 miles of the North Pole. It's even predicted that the North Pole may become ice-free in future summers as the Arctic warms around it.


What may explain my confiusion somewhat is the crazy-but-cool projection pictured below: Buckminster Fuller's Dymaxion map. Right at the centre, you can see a large white mass of ice surrounding the North Pole. I'd always taken this to be Greenland 'joined up' around the top of a globe, but Greenland's distinctive shape is clearly visible below the Pole area, making me an idiot.

Icosahedral fun.



I finally learnt the true location of the North Pole last night and, needless to say, it BLEW MY MIND. And when the Legend learns, he shares with you. Breathe deeply as I waft the heady scents of knowledge in your general direction. 

* Hardcore geography™ encompasses maps and flags and capital cities: interesting stuff to quiz geeks and Asperger kids alike. Precipitation cycles and coastal erosion and all that crap are decidedly softcore.

The USS Skate surfacing near the North Pole in 1959.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

BBC reacts to Jubilee coverage criticism

The BBC has finally acknowledged that its coverage of the Diamond Jubilee was woeful, but some fear that it has overreacted in its response.

Out-of-their-depth banality merchants Matt Baker and Tess Daly are to be sent on a compulsory electroshock history course with David Starkey, whilst a spokesman promised that all CBeebies programmes would now be delivered in full morning dress. "Even Balamory," he added.

The Dimbleby family are also believed to have stepped up their reproductive efforts to ensure a steady supply of Dimblebabies are available to anchor future events.


Meanwhile, Fearne Cotton has been dispatched to keep a 24 hour vigil by Lord Jim - sorry - John Reith's grave after reports that he had begun spinning. Fearne asked Lord Reith how he felt about spinning before turning to the camera and saying "wonderful, wow, amazing."

The executive editor in charge of turning the largest flotilla on the Thames since 1662 into a nautical One Show has also been reprimanded. "Ben Weston's handling of this event was abysmal," said Director-General Mark Thompson. "He has been shot."

Why watch this...
... when you could be watching  Fearne Cotton
discuss sick bags with Paloma Faith?

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Joey Barton signs for prison team

EXCLUSIVE

The midfielder/philosopher/criminal Joseph "Joey" Barton has signed for a prison team after being dismissed by QPR for gross misconduct and for being a recidivist little bellend. The human stain was ejected from Loftus Road by Mark Hughes, who then changed the locks and switched the lights off until he went away.
Freak of Nietzsche.

ZD understands that Athletico Belmarsh HMPFC swooped for Barton after his impressive performance against Manchester City, in which he unleashed his unique brand of thinking man's thuggery on half of the opposing team. Barton will be reunited in prison with his brother Michael, who was jailed in 2005 for murder.

Belmarsh chairman and E Ward 'Daddy' Big Mick Hayes believes he can build a strong team around Barton: "He's going to hold the midfield while Rapey Dave pushes forward, and we've got a nonce at left back so we're looking good for next season." 

Sources say that Barton will be appointed as captain at Belmarsh, but his pay is expected to drop from £80,000 per week to three packs of Marlboro Lights. He was first given the captain's armband by QPR, who were impressed by his exemplary past record, which included two prison sentences for affray and assault, slapping a 15 year old Everton fan, stubbing a cigarette out in a youth player's eye, detaching a teammate's retina whilst knocking him unconscious, punching a man twenty times in the face and knocking a teenager's teeth out. 

He could've been world class but he chose
to be an entertainer instead.
The midfielder then cemented his role as captain with a gritty performance in QPR's relegation nail-biter, in which he tried to improve Tevez's face with his elbow, kicked Aguero in the back of the knee and rounded it off like a true team player by attempting to headbutt Kompany in the face. 


Chris Kamara said: "Signing for Belmarsh before he's committed his annual crime is a very clever move, Jeff. This way, when he does end up behind bars again, he won't be cup-tied."

When not bringing the Saturday-night-at-throwing-out-time experience to professional football, Barton likes to indulge in navel gazing on Twitter. His million followers, however, are worried that he will be unable to continue his Twitter twatter from inside Belmarsh. Like Socrates, who taught Plato before captaining Brazil at the 1982 World Cup, and Nietzsche, who spent eight years at centre back for Borussia Monchengladbach, the polymath has deftly balanced his twin personas of sportsman and cerebral reprobate. Making valuable contributions to debates in logical positivism and the Cantona seagull-trawler problem has led to Barton being widely regarded as the leading proponent of the Scouse School of thought, with his recent works including calling Gary Lineker an "odious little toad" and wishing Morrissey a happy birthday.

Barton is set to star in the Mean Machine sequel alongside Vinnie Jones and Danny Dyer, who may or may not be played by Charlie Sabine.



"Why do people always want to solve any conflict with a fight?
As a pacifist, I find it incredible" he said thuggishly. (@Joey7Barton)





Monday, 7 May 2012

Edward Norton would make a great Lenin



Ed Norton as Derek Vinyard in American History X;
Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov as Vladmir Lenin in Serious Soviet Mode.

Ed Norton would make a superb Lenin. He's known for playing intelligent but troubled characters (Fight Club, American History X, 25th Hour) and shares with Lenin the same steely, intense gaze. Lenin was characterized as possessing enormous self-confidence, determination and focus, all traits that Norton portrays well.

He'd make a better Lenin than Patrick Stewart,
who played him in Fall of Eagles.
In Alan Bullock's Hitler and Stalin: Parallel Lives, he writes that "one of the intriguing 'might-has-beens' of history is what would have happened if Lenin had been born a German into the most highly industrialized country in Europe, with the largest working-class movement, instead of in Russia, the most backward and so least promising country in which to launch a Marxist revolution." 

Now that would be a good film. Somebody should make an allohistorical epic speculating about the turn European history might have taken if Lenin had been born in, say, Prussian Berlin in 1870 - on the eve of the birth of the German Empire - instead of in Simbirsk, deep inside Tsarist Russia. After the First World War, Germany witnessed a widespread wave of social protest, but it lacked a leader capable of organising the masses into an effective political force. If Lenin had seized power in Germany in 1919, rather than in Russia in 1917, how would the twentieth century have played out? Would the Nazi Party have even existed, or would its short lived predecessor (the DAP) have been crushed in its infancy? Would the Second World War have taken place? If so, along what lines? What would have become of Stalin, of Hitler? Would Wernher von Braun have stayed in Soviet Germany (Deutschland Rat?) and put a German on the Moon? Would Europe still be under the yoke of Communism in the 21st Century?  Somebody should make this film, and Norton should play Lenin.

Whilst I was writing this, I searched for "Lenin Edward Norton" to see if anybody else had had the same thought (apparently not), but I did stumble across this fucktarded gem of a page. Now, I'm no expert on biorhythym cycles, but apparently Lenin and Norton are very physically compatible every two weeks. That's nice.

Friday, 17 February 2012

Old Churchgoing Lady Is A Christian

EXCLUSIVE

Elizabeth Windsor, 85, of Buckingham Palace, yesterday confirmed that she loves going to church and "really digs God."

As an active member of her local community, Liz has acquired a number of nicknames around the village, including 'the Queen', 'Defender of the Faith' and 'Supreme Guv'nor'. We spoke to Liz about her role in the church. "I do the flower arranging at Westminster Abbey at weekends and play the organ when Baroness Warsi is away. I'm also in charge of the collection plate at Canterbury Cathedral. I usually take the money down to the Post Office myself, but if we collect more than £20 I give it to the Archbishop to keep safe at Lambeth Palace."

Liz hopes that her announcement in the parish newsletter will help solve problems in the village: "We've had a lot of trouble with militant atheists lately - I had one in my garden last week and they can be a real pain to get rid of - so hopefully by invoking my imaginary sky friend we can get some peace. It's been tough recently, but the church is so good for the community, and don't my petunias look lovely?"

Her neighbour, Richard Dawkins, agrees: "Like Liz, I try to take an active role in village life. I'm in charge of the tombola at the community centre coffee mornings, and I also help out at the evolutionary biology lab on Wednesday afternoons. If you ask me, Liz's announcement can't come soon enough - if there's one thing we need more of in this country, it's the superstitious crock of crap she's peddling. Have you tried her fruit cake? It's lovely. Her husband's a bit odd though."

Monday, 13 February 2012

They come over here, stealing our men...

The Daily Express excels itself yet again...

Greece, a Country in Administration

WARNING: this article is full of Romsey concepts. If you're not a massive fan, you're going to struggle to read it. Pete Cary, you might as well give up now...


GREECE, A COUNTRY IN ADMINISTRATION
From ZD's Greek Reporters, Christodolous Christodolou and Nickodolous Nickodolou, L Staircase, Athens.

The worst fears of world markets were realised today as Greece finally entered administration.

Greece, the world's oldest democracy, voluntarily entered adminstration at nine this morning. ZD understands that Nizzle Thind Rush, the bespoke Romsey-based financial services firm, has been appointed to oversee the administration process.

Jamie Nizzle and Gary 'Rush' Rush, who will serve as joint administrators, issued the following statement earlier today: "After playing a few rounds of Patball™ and looking for Corlett in the office, we will urgently begin winding down Greece. They've ladded it up for too long, even by our standards."

ZD's legal experts believe that signs saying 'Greece, a Country in Administration' will soon be displayed at all border crossings and airports, and many of Greece's assets will have to be sold to pay creditors. Sources inside the former country indicate that Mastercard wish to purchase the Parthenon and Disney have plans for a Hercules theme park in the ruins of the temple at Dodona. Meanwhile, Qatar has expressed an interest in shipping everything over there, and Ken Bates has also said he'd like to buy Greece "for a quid". 

Acropolis Now.
Nizzle and Rush have instructed their former Romsey Terrace neighbour  Kayleigh Parker to help evict the Greeks. Parker, a prolific debt recovery agent, Girl Fridays Drinking Society captain and part-time veterinarian, has little sympathy for her victims. "The small print on the loan agreements is crystal clear," Parker growled at our reporter. "It clearly states that 'your country is at risk if you do not keep up with repayments'. I sent the Greek President a final demand for payment last week and the cheeky bleeder sent it back with 'no longer at this address' scrawled on the front. That was the final straw: once your bond yield spread has widened and you've pissed me off, you're coming with me, sunshine." Turkish Cypriot DJ and former L staircase (Robinson College) resident Mustafa Sulo is eager to help Parker, announcing on his Genc Radio breakfast show that he and his brothers in arms were "ready to evict the Greek bastards."

Financial analyst and part-time goose Vincent Desh, of niche Jewish banking cartel Hayek Schumpeter, says that many citizens will have to take redundancy and leave Greece during the winding down procedure: "I predict that large numbers of the swarthy layabouts will have to TUPE across to either Macedonia or Turkey." When asked if he could shed any light on the cause of this catastrophe, he simply said "it's that bald Scottish guy again."

Although the roots of this tragedy are numerous and complex, Desh is correct to say that they all lead back to one man: E5. Unconfirmed reports indicate that E5 was attempting to book a holiday in Kos - no doubt to 'get away from it all' and forget his role in the 2008 global financial meltdown - when he had problems trying to pay the deposit on the apartment. It appears he may have clicked the wrong button whilst putting his credit card details into the website, which led to him accidentally shorting the entire Greek economy. Sources say that his laptop crashed shortly after the incident - most probably due to his technologically retarded son, Lord Boredom, attempting to install a FIFA '98 PlayStation One game on a modern PC - and by the time E5 had got back online, he'd triggered a €329 billion debt exposure. E5 was unavailable for comment, but his close friend Howard from the Halifax said "he's very sorry".

This carefully researched diagram shows E5's pivotal role in the global financial crisis. What an absolute prick.


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