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Monday, 13 February 2012

Greece, a Country in Administration

WARNING: this article is full of Romsey concepts. If you're not a massive fan, you're going to struggle to read it. Pete Cary, you might as well give up now...


GREECE, A COUNTRY IN ADMINISTRATION
From ZD's Greek Reporters, Christodolous Christodolou and Nickodolous Nickodolou, L Staircase, Athens.

The worst fears of world markets were realised today as Greece finally entered administration.

Greece, the world's oldest democracy, voluntarily entered adminstration at nine this morning. ZD understands that Nizzle Thind Rush, the bespoke Romsey-based financial services firm, has been appointed to oversee the administration process.

Jamie Nizzle and Gary 'Rush' Rush, who will serve as joint administrators, issued the following statement earlier today: "After playing a few rounds of Patball™ and looking for Corlett in the office, we will urgently begin winding down Greece. They've ladded it up for too long, even by our standards."

ZD's legal experts believe that signs saying 'Greece, a Country in Administration' will soon be displayed at all border crossings and airports, and many of Greece's assets will have to be sold to pay creditors. Sources inside the former country indicate that Mastercard wish to purchase the Parthenon and Disney have plans for a Hercules theme park in the ruins of the temple at Dodona. Meanwhile, Qatar has expressed an interest in shipping everything over there, and Ken Bates has also said he'd like to buy Greece "for a quid". 

Acropolis Now.
Nizzle and Rush have instructed their former Romsey Terrace neighbour  Kayleigh Parker to help evict the Greeks. Parker, a prolific debt recovery agent, Girl Fridays Drinking Society captain and part-time veterinarian, has little sympathy for her victims. "The small print on the loan agreements is crystal clear," Parker growled at our reporter. "It clearly states that 'your country is at risk if you do not keep up with repayments'. I sent the Greek President a final demand for payment last week and the cheeky bleeder sent it back with 'no longer at this address' scrawled on the front. That was the final straw: once your bond yield spread has widened and you've pissed me off, you're coming with me, sunshine." Turkish Cypriot DJ and former L staircase (Robinson College) resident Mustafa Sulo is eager to help Parker, announcing on his Genc Radio breakfast show that he and his brothers in arms were "ready to evict the Greek bastards."

Financial analyst and part-time goose Vincent Desh, of niche Jewish banking cartel Hayek Schumpeter, says that many citizens will have to take redundancy and leave Greece during the winding down procedure: "I predict that large numbers of the swarthy layabouts will have to TUPE across to either Macedonia or Turkey." When asked if he could shed any light on the cause of this catastrophe, he simply said "it's that bald Scottish guy again."

Although the roots of this tragedy are numerous and complex, Desh is correct to say that they all lead back to one man: E5. Unconfirmed reports indicate that E5 was attempting to book a holiday in Kos - no doubt to 'get away from it all' and forget his role in the 2008 global financial meltdown - when he had problems trying to pay the deposit on the apartment. It appears he may have clicked the wrong button whilst putting his credit card details into the website, which led to him accidentally shorting the entire Greek economy. Sources say that his laptop crashed shortly after the incident - most probably due to his technologically retarded son, Lord Boredom, attempting to install a FIFA '98 PlayStation One game on a modern PC - and by the time E5 had got back online, he'd triggered a €329 billion debt exposure. E5 was unavailable for comment, but his close friend Howard from the Halifax said "he's very sorry".

This carefully researched diagram shows E5's pivotal role in the global financial crisis. What an absolute prick.


3 comments:

  1. Probably the best that I know of

    ReplyDelete
  2. good build towards peaking at: 'financial analyst and part-time goose Vincent Desh, of niche banking cartel Hayek Schumpeter, says "I predict that large numbers ... will have to TUPE across to either Macedonia or Turkey"

    ReplyDelete

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