* coming 2015 - possibly.

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Joey Barton signs for prison team


The midfielder/philosopher/criminal Joseph "Joey" Barton has signed for a prison team after being dismissed by QPR for gross misconduct and for being a recidivist little bellend. The human stain was ejected from Loftus Road by Mark Hughes, who then changed the locks and switched the lights off until he went away.
Freak of Nietzsche.

ZD understands that Athletico Belmarsh HMPFC swooped for Barton after his impressive performance against Manchester City, in which he unleashed his unique brand of thinking man's thuggery on half of the opposing team. Barton will be reunited in prison with his brother Michael, who was jailed in 2005 for murder.

Belmarsh chairman and E Ward 'Daddy' Big Mick Hayes believes he can build a strong team around Barton: "He's going to hold the midfield while Rapey Dave pushes forward, and we've got a nonce at left back so we're looking good for next season." 

Sources say that Barton will be appointed as captain at Belmarsh, but his pay is expected to drop from £80,000 per week to three packs of Marlboro Lights. He was first given the captain's armband by QPR, who were impressed by his exemplary past record, which included two prison sentences for affray and assault, slapping a 15 year old Everton fan, stubbing a cigarette out in a youth player's eye, detaching a teammate's retina whilst knocking him unconscious, punching a man twenty times in the face and knocking a teenager's teeth out. 

He could've been world class but he chose
to be an entertainer instead.
The midfielder then cemented his role as captain with a gritty performance in QPR's relegation nail-biter, in which he tried to improve Tevez's face with his elbow, kicked Aguero in the back of the knee and rounded it off like a true team player by attempting to headbutt Kompany in the face. 

Chris Kamara said: "Signing for Belmarsh before he's committed his annual crime is a very clever move, Jeff. This way, when he does end up behind bars again, he won't be cup-tied."

When not bringing the Saturday-night-at-throwing-out-time experience to professional football, Barton likes to indulge in navel gazing on Twitter. His million followers, however, are worried that he will be unable to continue his Twitter twatter from inside Belmarsh. Like Socrates, who taught Plato before captaining Brazil at the 1982 World Cup, and Nietzsche, who spent eight years at centre back for Borussia Monchengladbach, the polymath has deftly balanced his twin personas of sportsman and cerebral reprobate. Making valuable contributions to debates in logical positivism and the Cantona seagull-trawler problem has led to Barton being widely regarded as the leading proponent of the Scouse School of thought, with his recent works including calling Gary Lineker an "odious little toad" and wishing Morrissey a happy birthday.

Barton is set to star in the Mean Machine sequel alongside Vinnie Jones and Danny Dyer, who may or may not be played by Charlie Sabine.

"Why do people always want to solve any conflict with a fight?
As a pacifist, I find it incredible" he said thuggishly. (@Joey7Barton)

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