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Saturday, 28 July 2012

The 2012 Olympics Opening Ceremony: What Should Have Happened

It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Five were given to Jacques Rogge, Belgian, bureaucrat, President of the IOC. Three to Kenneth Branagh, thespian and leader of the Dancing Brunels. And seven, seven rings were gifted to the Chosen Ones, the Unknown Children of Redgrave. But they were, all of them, deceived...


From its idyllic opening amidst the fields of the Shire, to the belching chimneys and forges of Isengard,  last night's celebration of The Lord of the Ringswas mesmerising. Apart from when the Dark Lord McCartney closed proceedings. Again. With a singalong of Hey Jude. Again. That part was boring.

"There will be no dawn for Men."


There were lots of "wow" moments: the Queen - the actual Queen - parachuting in with James Bond, Mr Bean playing with the London Philharmonic Orchestra, and the dancing girl losing her phone but  then finding it (phew). But of course, the greatest surprise was saved until last: who was going to light the Olympic cauldron? Roger Bannister? Daley Thompson? Dane Bowers?

What actually happened was spectacular. From the moment that Lord Coe pulled down his trousers to reveal his running shorts underneath, we knew we were in for something special. Steve Redgrave lit the torch by striking a match on Bradley Wiggins's sideburn, starting a 1500m race between Coe and Ovett to see who could reach them first. The victorious Coe then handed the blazing torch to Daley Thompson who javelined it across the stadium, impaling Ashley Cole who had gamely dressed as a choc ice for the occasion. As Cole melted, Boris Johnson pulled the torch free and ignited Tanni-Grey Thompson with it, as she catapulted out of a Minas Tirith trebuchet across the stadium, wheelchair ablaze, before landing in the cauldron to officially open the Games of the XXX Olympiad.

What a sequence!

Shami Chakrabarti. "We salute her integrity." Do we f*ck.

Inspired by a post on Roll on Friday's discussion boards.


3 comments:

  1. Yeah yeah yeah!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Worth a read..... Some of the Legend's best work.

    ReplyDelete

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