Chinese Olympic Swimmer Denies Tachyon Doping Claims

Chinese officials have denied bending space-time after one of their swimmers apparently swam faster than the speed of light.

Ye Shiwen, 16, swam the 400m medley in an astonishing 1.75 microseconds, beating the previous world record of 4:29.45 by 4:29.44999825 minutes. Commentators have expressed doubt that this could be achieved without meddling with the fabric of reality itself.

Success is relativ(istic).

Once she had reached warp speed, Shiwen was invisible to the umpires until after she had finished, at which point she took on a hazy, 'blue-shifted' look and appeared in an empty pool. The other competitors have not been found, and it is feared that Shiwen's momentarily infinite mass may have displaced them into another dimension.

What a new PB looks like.

Mysteriously, a Chinese official denied the doping claims before the race had even started, and then looked confused, asked what day it was and fainted. Colleagues rushed him into what appeared to be a police phonebox, which promptly disappeared. The Chinese have also refused to comment on why three particle physicists were found in their physio room.

IOC officials are investigating claims that exotic particles have been found in the Olympic village after a CERN onlooker reported a "neutrino-y" smell emanating from the Chinese camp, but this could have just been the aroma of a particularly strong Sichuan hot-pot.