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Friday, 17 February 2012

Old Churchgoing Lady Is A Christian

EXCLUSIVE

Elizabeth Windsor, 85, of Buckingham Palace, yesterday confirmed that she loves going to church and "really digs God."

As an active member of her local community, Liz has acquired a number of nicknames around the village, including 'the Queen', 'Defender of the Faith' and 'Supreme Guv'nor'. We spoke to Liz about her role in the church. "I do the flower arranging at Westminster Abbey at weekends and play the organ when Baroness Warsi is away. I'm also in charge of the collection plate at Canterbury Cathedral. I usually take the money down to the Post Office myself, but if we collect more than £20 I give it to the Archbishop to keep safe at Lambeth Palace."

Liz hopes that her announcement in the parish newsletter will help solve problems in the village: "We've had a lot of trouble with militant atheists lately - I had one in my garden last week and they can be a real pain to get rid of - so hopefully by invoking my imaginary sky friend we can get some peace. It's been tough recently, but the church is so good for the community, and don't my petunias look lovely?"

Her neighbour, Richard Dawkins, agrees: "Like Liz, I try to take an active role in village life. I'm in charge of the tombola at the community centre coffee mornings, and I also help out at the evolutionary biology lab on Wednesday afternoons. If you ask me, Liz's announcement can't come soon enough - if there's one thing we need more of in this country, it's the superstitious crock of crap she's peddling. Have you tried her fruit cake? It's lovely. Her husband's a bit odd though."

Monday, 13 February 2012

They come over here, stealing our men...

The Daily Express excels itself yet again...

Greece, a Country in Administration

WARNING: this article is full of Romsey concepts. If you're not a massive fan, you're going to struggle to read it. Pete Cary, you might as well give up now...


GREECE, A COUNTRY IN ADMINISTRATION
From ZD's Greek Reporters, Christodolous Christodolou and Nickodolous Nickodolou, L Staircase, Athens.

The worst fears of world markets were realised today as Greece finally entered administration.

Greece, the world's oldest democracy, voluntarily entered adminstration at nine this morning. ZD understands that Nizzle Thind Rush, the bespoke Romsey-based financial services firm, has been appointed to oversee the administration process.

Jamie Nizzle and Gary 'Rush' Rush, who will serve as joint administrators, issued the following statement earlier today: "After playing a few rounds of Patball™ and looking for Corlett in the office, we will urgently begin winding down Greece. They've ladded it up for too long, even by our standards."

ZD's legal experts believe that signs saying 'Greece, a Country in Administration' will soon be displayed at all border crossings and airports, and many of Greece's assets will have to be sold to pay creditors. Sources inside the former country indicate that Mastercard wish to purchase the Parthenon and Disney have plans for a Hercules theme park in the ruins of the temple at Dodona. Meanwhile, Qatar has expressed an interest in shipping everything over there, and Ken Bates has also said he'd like to buy Greece "for a quid". 

Acropolis Now.
Nizzle and Rush have instructed their former Romsey Terrace neighbour  Kayleigh Parker to help evict the Greeks. Parker, a prolific debt recovery agent, Girl Fridays Drinking Society captain and part-time veterinarian, has little sympathy for her victims. "The small print on the loan agreements is crystal clear," Parker growled at our reporter. "It clearly states that 'your country is at risk if you do not keep up with repayments'. I sent the Greek President a final demand for payment last week and the cheeky bleeder sent it back with 'no longer at this address' scrawled on the front. That was the final straw: once your bond yield spread has widened and you've pissed me off, you're coming with me, sunshine." Turkish Cypriot DJ and former L staircase (Robinson College) resident Mustafa Sulo is eager to help Parker, announcing on his Genc Radio breakfast show that he and his brothers in arms were "ready to evict the Greek bastards."

Financial analyst and part-time goose Vincent Desh, of niche Jewish banking cartel Hayek Schumpeter, says that many citizens will have to take redundancy and leave Greece during the winding down procedure: "I predict that large numbers of the swarthy layabouts will have to TUPE across to either Macedonia or Turkey." When asked if he could shed any light on the cause of this catastrophe, he simply said "it's that bald Scottish guy again."

Although the roots of this tragedy are numerous and complex, Desh is correct to say that they all lead back to one man: E5. Unconfirmed reports indicate that E5 was attempting to book a holiday in Kos - no doubt to 'get away from it all' and forget his role in the 2008 global financial meltdown - when he had problems trying to pay the deposit on the apartment. It appears he may have clicked the wrong button whilst putting his credit card details into the website, which led to him accidentally shorting the entire Greek economy. Sources say that his laptop crashed shortly after the incident - most probably due to his technologically retarded son, Lord Boredom, attempting to install a FIFA '98 PlayStation One game on a modern PC - and by the time E5 had got back online, he'd triggered a €329 billion debt exposure. E5 was unavailable for comment, but his close friend Howard from the Halifax said "he's very sorry".

This carefully researched diagram shows E5's pivotal role in the global financial crisis. What an absolute prick.


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