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Sunday, 27 May 2012

Joey Barton signs for prison team

EXCLUSIVE

The midfielder/philosopher/criminal Joseph "Joey" Barton has signed for a prison team after being dismissed by QPR for gross misconduct and for being a recidivist little bellend. The human stain was ejected from Loftus Road by Mark Hughes, who then changed the locks and switched the lights off until he went away.
Freak of Nietzsche.

ZD understands that Athletico Belmarsh HMPFC swooped for Barton after his impressive performance against Manchester City, in which he unleashed his unique brand of thinking man's thuggery on half of the opposing team. Barton will be reunited in prison with his brother Michael, who was jailed in 2005 for murder.

Belmarsh chairman and E Ward 'Daddy' Big Mick Hayes believes he can build a strong team around Barton: "He's going to hold the midfield while Rapey Dave pushes forward, and we've got a nonce at left back so we're looking good for next season." 

Sources say that Barton will be appointed as captain at Belmarsh, but his pay is expected to drop from £80,000 per week to three packs of Marlboro Lights. He was first given the captain's armband by QPR, who were impressed by his exemplary past record, which included two prison sentences for affray and assault, slapping a 15 year old Everton fan, stubbing a cigarette out in a youth player's eye, detaching a teammate's retina whilst knocking him unconscious, punching a man twenty times in the face and knocking a teenager's teeth out. 

He could've been world class but he chose
to be an entertainer instead.
The midfielder then cemented his role as captain with a gritty performance in QPR's relegation nail-biter, in which he tried to improve Tevez's face with his elbow, kicked Aguero in the back of the knee and rounded it off like a true team player by attempting to headbutt Kompany in the face. 


Chris Kamara said: "Signing for Belmarsh before he's committed his annual crime is a very clever move, Jeff. This way, when he does end up behind bars again, he won't be cup-tied."

When not bringing the Saturday-night-at-throwing-out-time experience to professional football, Barton likes to indulge in navel gazing on Twitter. His million followers, however, are worried that he will be unable to continue his Twitter twatter from inside Belmarsh. Like Socrates, who taught Plato before captaining Brazil at the 1982 World Cup, and Nietzsche, who spent eight years at centre back for Borussia Monchengladbach, the polymath has deftly balanced his twin personas of sportsman and cerebral reprobate. Making valuable contributions to debates in logical positivism and the Cantona seagull-trawler problem has led to Barton being widely regarded as the leading proponent of the Scouse School of thought, with his recent works including calling Gary Lineker an "odious little toad" and wishing Morrissey a happy birthday.

Barton is set to star in the Mean Machine sequel alongside Vinnie Jones and Danny Dyer, who may or may not be played by Charlie Sabine.



"Why do people always want to solve any conflict with a fight?
As a pacifist, I find it incredible" he said thuggishly. (@Joey7Barton)





Monday, 7 May 2012

Edward Norton would make a great Lenin



Ed Norton as Derek Vinyard in American History X;
Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov as Vladmir Lenin in Serious Soviet Mode.

Ed Norton would make a superb Lenin. He's known for playing intelligent but troubled characters (Fight Club, American History X, 25th Hour) and shares with Lenin the same steely, intense gaze. Lenin was characterized as possessing enormous self-confidence, determination and focus, all traits that Norton portrays well.

He'd make a better Lenin than Patrick Stewart,
who played him in Fall of Eagles.
In Alan Bullock's Hitler and Stalin: Parallel Lives, he writes that "one of the intriguing 'might-has-beens' of history is what would have happened if Lenin had been born a German into the most highly industrialized country in Europe, with the largest working-class movement, instead of in Russia, the most backward and so least promising country in which to launch a Marxist revolution." 

Now that would be a good film. Somebody should make an allohistorical epic speculating about the turn European history might have taken if Lenin had been born in, say, Prussian Berlin in 1870 - on the eve of the birth of the German Empire - instead of in Simbirsk, deep inside Tsarist Russia. After the First World War, Germany witnessed a widespread wave of social protest, but it lacked a leader capable of organising the masses into an effective political force. If Lenin had seized power in Germany in 1919, rather than in Russia in 1917, how would the twentieth century have played out? Would the Nazi Party have even existed, or would its short lived predecessor (the DAP) have been crushed in its infancy? Would the Second World War have taken place? If so, along what lines? What would have become of Stalin, of Hitler? Would Wernher von Braun have stayed in Soviet Germany (Deutschland Rat?) and put a German on the Moon? Would Europe still be under the yoke of Communism in the 21st Century?  Somebody should make this film, and Norton should play Lenin.

Whilst I was writing this, I searched for "Lenin Edward Norton" to see if anybody else had had the same thought (apparently not), but I did stumble across this fucktarded gem of a page. Now, I'm no expert on biorhythym cycles, but apparently Lenin and Norton are very physically compatible every two weeks. That's nice.
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